IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #activities #children’s #development #computer #games
Some adults concluded that the screen
time
 a kid is spending nowadays is not
so
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 beneficial as the
time
 he or she is using for
plaing
Correct your spelling
playing
placing
 outside the house. In my opinion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
future development is highly
corelated
Correct your spelling
correlated
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
childhood and that means that where we play and what we play
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 a
masive
Correct your spelling
massive
 impact on
ouer
Correct your spelling
our
adults
Change noun form
adults'
adult's
show examples
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
show examples
. I agree, in conclusion, that outdoor activities are better in a way
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 computer games.
First,
since we
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
still function on the same principles
ouer
Correct your spelling
our
 ancestors did, a closer look
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 their life should be taken. From what history has to offer, there was no intelligence device back
then
, so kids
where
Correct your spelling
were
show examples
 spending their
time
 with other
sones
Correct your spelling
sons
show examples
 and daughters or helping the elders. The quality
time
 among
ouer
Correct your spelling
our
 friends and family grows the percentage of being successful.
Secondly
, computer games can be a dangerous activity since the internet is so wild and has free access to everyone. the parent may not know what is hidden in the laptop his child is spending his early life on. The games can contain inadequate morals and the infant in
this
 way, without knowing it
create
Change the verb form
creates
show examples
 his behavior based on what he sees.
In addition
, the posture is deteriorating as much as the visual function. In conclusion, screen
time
 can be addictive and in bad ways rather than good ones affects the future person's life. The beauty and innocence of
this
 early period
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
headen
Correct your spelling
hidden
 in simple
occupatins
Correct your spelling
occupations
occupation
 that enlarge his functions.
Submitted by acaitaz on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay's structure is basic and does not flow seamlessly from one idea to the next, compromising its logical structure. Aim to have a clear progression of ideas throughout.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are present but lack clarity and full development. Ensure that the introduction sets the stage for your argument, and the conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your stance.
coherence cohesion
While main points are present, they are not elaborated with well-developed arguments or examples. Illustrate each point with specific examples and explanations to strengthen your position.
task achievement
The essay partially addresses the task but could be more responsive to the prompt by taking a definitive stance and arguing it thoroughly with a more structured development of ideas.
task achievement
The ideas presented are somewhat clear but lack depth and comprehensive analysis. Elevate your arguments with more sophisticated reasoning and varied sentence structures to enhance clarity.
task achievement
Specific examples to support arguments are insufficient. Include pertinent and detailed examples to substantiate your views and make your essay more convincing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: