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Band 5.5

In some countries, secondary schools aim to provide a general education across a range of subjects. In others, children focus on a narrow range of subjects related to a particular career. Which do you think is appropriate in today's world?

#countries #schools #aim #education #range #subjects #children #focus #career #world
There are controversial perspectives heating a debate over
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education.
While
 some hold a strong view that a general education across a number of
subjects
 is aimed to be provided by secondary schools, the opposite makes a statement that pupils emphasise a wide range of
subjects
 associated with a particular occupation.
While
 the latter has some valid reasons, I would contend that the former would potentially bring about more tremendous impacts. Without a shadow of a doubt, the
subjects
 play a paramount imperative role in student’s secondary school. In
this
 day and age,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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younger people will survive only if they are equipped with a great deal of digesting insights in various sectors.
Hence
, when children learn all the topics of the academy from natural and social sciences
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
show examples
 a harmless effect on their
future
 line of career. From my perspective, the
subjects
 in the institution put a premium on children’s success in the
future
.
Furthermore
, learning more
subjects
 help adolescence develop sharp different skills. Simultaneously, that will help them have more knowledge and solid assessment of the fields.
For instance
, learning math helps them have the ability to think and calculate, study literature by analyzing the reasons and understanding the emotions of characters. These things are not only beneficial for schoolwork but
also
 the satisfactory problems in the
future
. In conclusion, researching all
subjects
 has
bring
Verb problem
had
show examples
 an enormous impact on the conception of pupils.
To sum up
, when children learn all
subjects
 in their school, it has brought favourable impact on their
future
 careers and various skills. I
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 that the latter can not overshadow its counterpart.
Submitted by thvana236 on

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Task Achievement
You fail to fully develop all parts of the task. Although you have addressed the general aspects of the topic, the answer could have been strengthened by a detailed examination of the advantages of both general and specialized education, as the prompt requires a discussion of both. Moreover, include a more explicit personal position throughout the essay rather than just at the beginning and the end.
Coherence and Cohesion
While the overall structure of the essay is apparent, the logical flow can be improved. Make use of a wider range of cohesive devices to better link ideas between and within paragraphs. Also, ensure that your introduction offers a clear outline of the points that will be discussed and that your conclusion effectively summarizes the essay without introducing new information.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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