IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

: Computer games have a negative impact on children and their families. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#computer #games #impact #children #families
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Parenting has never been an easy job and the implementation of new technologies did not make it easier. Many people
believes
Change the verb form
believe
show examples
 that children and
families
Use synonyms
 are negatively impacted by video
games
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will discuss how computer
games
Use synonyms
 could affect the behavior of both kids and parents.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it is a common opinion that the young ones spend too much time in front of screens
such
Linking Words
 as computers,
playstation
Correct your spelling
PlayStation
 and smartphones. A recent research conducted by Dr. Smith
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 revealed that spending more than 3 hours per day on display can develop an addiction comparable to drugs.
As a result
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
dependency
Add a comma
dependency,
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 one of the side effects on
youngest
Correct article usage
the youngest
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 could be irritable behavior.
As a consequence
Linking Words
 of young gamers’
attitude
Add a comma
attitude,
show examples
 there is an impact on their
Use synonyms
families
Change noun form
family's
families'
show examples
 wellbeing. (LINK) It is a fact that in the
last
Linking Words
 10 years parents
are
Verb problem
have
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facing
Wrong verb form
faced
show examples
 more issues raising their children,
for example
Linking Words
 a lack of respect towards adults
due to
Linking Words
 violent
games
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as war or shooter
games
Use synonyms
. To confirm the statement above there is a study supervised by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Oxford University
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
state
Correct subject-verb agreement
states
show examples
 that a reasonable piece of the population is challenging similar situations. More specific
datas
Correct your spelling
data
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 that 1 out of 3
families
Use synonyms
 who are followed by a therapist are dealing with video game obsession of their kids. In conclusion, despite there might be some exceptions,
violents
Correct your spelling
violent
violence
games
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as the
world famous
Add a hyphen
world-famous
show examples
 GTA has been proven by many studies to have a negative influence not only on the youngest generation but on their
families
Use synonyms
 as well.
Submitted by ste.deblasi.97 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure logical structure in your paragraphs. Each one should begin with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details, and a concluding sentence that links back to the question.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, avoiding overusing simple conjunctions like 'and' or 'but'.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with relevant, detailed and specific examples. Avoid vague references and ensure each argument is backed by clear evidence or studies.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task. Ensure you provide a balanced discussion and cover all views if the question requires. Your conclusion should summarize the main points of your argument.
task achievement
Develop your ideas fully to show a clear understanding of the topic. Each paragraph should have one central idea that is explored in depth.
task achievement
Use specific examples to illustrate your points. Avoid using general or hypothetical examples that do not add to the strength of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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