IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Computer games have a negative impact on children and their families. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#computer #games #impact #children #families
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Parenting has never been an easy job and the implementation of new technologies did not make it easier. Many people believe that children and families are negatively impacted by video
games
.In
this
 essay, I will discuss how computer
games
 could affect the behaviour of both kids and parents.
Firstly
, it is a common opinion that young ones spend too much time in front of screens
such
 as computers, PlayStation and smartphones. A recent research conducted by Dr. Smith
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 revealed that spending more than 3 hours per day on display can develop an addiction comparable to drugs.
As a result
 of
this
 dependency one of the side effects on the youngest, could be irritable behaviour.
As a consequence
 of young gamers’
attitude
Fix the agreement mistake
attitudes
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, there is an impact on their families’ wellbeing. It is a fact that in the
last
 10 years, parents
are
Verb problem
have
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facing
Wrong verb form
faced
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 more issues raising their children,
for example
, a lack of respect towards adults
due to
 violent
games
such
 as war or shooter
games
. To confirm the statement above there is a study supervised by Oxford University that states that a reasonable piece of the population is challenging similar situations. A more specific data is that 1 out of 3 families who are followed by a therapist are dealing with video game obsession with their kids. In conclusion, despite there could be some exceptions, violent
games
such
 as the world-famous GTA have been proven by many studies to have a negative influence not only on the youngest generation but on their families as well
Submitted by ste.deblasi.97 on

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task achievement
Ensure that the introduction clearly outlines your stance on the topic, and the conclusion effectively summarizes your position and main arguments.
task achievement
Provide more varied and detailed examples and explain how these specifically support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Enhance logical transitions between sentences and paragraphs to improve the flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Use cohesive devices more effectively and vary their use to guide the reader through your line of reasoning without overusing any particular phrase or word.
coherence cohesion
Support each main point clearly and fully; this means elaborating more on how specific games can affect behavior and illustrating consequences within family dynamics.
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