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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The workplace nowadays is trying to employ the equal number of females and males. Do you think it is a positive or negative trend

#workplace #females #males #trend
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In
this
 modern era, many companies and industries are attempting to hire the same number of women and men
employees
. I believe
this
 is a pessimistic trend because it is impossible to maintain
this
 method and it lowers the employment
rate
. Employing an equal number of females and males is challenging
due to
 the falling
rate
 of fertility in certain genders. Many nations are struggling to keep a stable
rate
 of sex.
For instance
, in Vietnam, recent studies have shown that women far outweigh men in the population. Which in turn may provide undesirable results for a company
that is
 trying to get their
employees
 to be equal in number
according to
 gender factors. Another reason regarding
this
 issue is that it lowers the chances for industries to hire. Many talented people who apply for a position may get rejected
due to
 their gender.
Therefore
, the company will lose many good
employees
. As an illustration, Deloit, a massive business, kept a record of its
employees
, many of them, whatsoever, were rejected
due to
 their gender. Deloit the following years received an enormous decrease in the
rate
pof
Correct your spelling
of
 employment. In conclusion, it is understandable that many companies attempt to keep a balanced quantity of men and women,
however
,
this
 is an indirect factor that leads to a lower hiring index.
Submitted by truongmaihanh on

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Introduction
The essay lacks a clear introduction that outlines the writer's stance. It directly jumps into the argument without setting the context and presenting the thesis statement clearly. An effective introduction should briefly outline the points that will be discussed and express a clear viewpoint.
Logical Structure
The essay's structure is weak, making it difficult to follow. Paragraphs should be used effectively to separate different ideas, and clear topic sentences should start each paragraph to indicate the main idea to the reader. Transitions between sentences and ideas are also needed for better logical flow.
Supported Main Points
The main points discussed in the essay are relevant but not fully developed. The writer should include more detailed explanations, expand on the arguments, and use specific examples to support their points. Each argument requires evidence or examples to be convincing.
Task Achievement
The task response is limited as the essay does not fully answer the prompt. The essay should directly address whether the trend is positive or negative, giving a balanced view if necessary, followed by supporting arguments for that stance. The conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing these points and reinforcing the writer's viewpoint.
Conclusion
The conclusion of the essay is weak and appears rushed. A strong conclusion should restate the main argument and summarize the key points discussed in the body, reinforcing the writer's view. It should provide a clear and definitive ending to the essay.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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