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Band 5.5

Some educational systems make students study specialised subjects from the age of fifteen while others require students to study a wide range. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#systems #students #study #subjects #age #fifteen #range
There is ongoing debate regarding whether educational systems should initiate youths from the age of fifteen to study professional
subjects
instead
 of pervasive learning.
This
 essay will explore both perspectives and arrive at my own conclusion. In the contemporary era, it is widely agreed that the environment in workplaces has become more demanding than ever before, and
people
 equipped with specialized skills are common. Focusing on studying specific
subjects
 is one of the most significant advantages in
this
 competitive society because experts in professional fields can always overcome challenges that we face in the workplace.
Furthermore
, what is
also
 noteworthy is that
people
 studying the knowledge in-depth are usually capable of conducting a comprehensive tutorial for newcomers since they are familiar with the professional domain.
On the other hand
, there are
also
 a few merits that study a wide range of
subjects
. It is undeniable that pervasive learning is beneficial to students. In the epoch-making era, a considerable number of companies like Google and Facebook opt to recruit young
people
 with various abilities, and studying diverse
subjects
 is the most efficient approach to acquiring substantial knowledge.
Moreover
, it is essential for every worker to adapt to work environments. With a wide amount of learning, young
people
 can have more choices in future careers. In conclusion, it is evident that both learning specific and broad
subjects
 can bring positive effects. From my perspective, educational systems must strike a delicate balance between various strategies for diverse youngsters. What the fuck bro, suckers.
Submitted by seanlin12345 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
The essay contains a logical structure in the introduction and conclusion sections, but there is significant room for improvement in organising ideas throughout the essay. Creating clearer transitions and maintaining a logical flow between sentences and paragraphs could enhance coherence.
Task Achievement
The essay completes the task partially because it discusses both sides of the argument and includes a conclusion. However, the level of detail and development of ideas is limited. Ideas need to be more fully expanded upon with clear examples to reach a higher score.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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