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Writing Samples
Band 5

The chart below shows the amount of lesiure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status.

The chart below shows the amount of lesiure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status.
#amount #lesiure #time #men #women #employment #status
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the bar chart depicts the amount of free
time
Use synonyms
 in a week based on gender and job status from 1998 to 1999.
overall
Linking Words
 unemployed and retired are the majority who have free
time
Use synonyms
 among the status.
to begin
Linking Words
 with, full-
time
Use synonyms
employed
Replace the word
employees
show examples
 had free
time
Use synonyms
 about 50
hours
Use synonyms
 for males and 38
hours
Use synonyms
 for females in a week.
in contrast
Linking Words
, housewives spent a similar amount of
hours
Use synonyms
 with male full-
time
Use synonyms
 employed at 51
hours
Use synonyms
 respectively.
furthermore
Linking Words
, female part-
time
Use synonyms
 employees had 40
hours
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 leisure
time
Use synonyms
.
on the other hand
Linking Words
, unemployed and retired experienced over 80
hours
Use synonyms
 for males and 75
hours
Use synonyms
 for females, these figures are the peak on the chart. to draw
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 conclusion, employed full-
time
Use synonyms
 had the least
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
leisure
time
Use synonyms
 and unemployed and retired had the highest
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
leisure
time
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by syifensaft on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time, hours with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "amount" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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