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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

the diagram below shows the stages involved in producing one bottle of wine

the diagram below shows the stages involved in producing one bottle of wine
The illustration presents an overview of the key stages involved in the manufacturing of red wine from three main steps namely preparation , processing , collecting and packaging. The whole
process
Use synonyms
 of red wine when
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
selected.
Following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, they are kept in anaerobic condition for 2 to 3 weeks.
After
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 particular
stage
Use synonyms
 has finished, grapes are crushed in a crushing machine. Once
this
Linking Words
 particular
stage
Use synonyms
 in the manufacturing
process
Use synonyms
 has been completed it is
then
Linking Words
 followed by being fermented, a
process
Use synonyms
 which results in skins,stems and
free run
Add a hyphen
free-run
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 juice.
While
Linking Words
 the former are pressed in a drainer machine, the latter is skinless fermented and fed back to a pot ale.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, the skinless mixture is clarified,
it
Correct word choice
and it
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 is filtered simultaneously to remove impurities.
After
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, the mixture is matured in the oaken cast from 6 to 24 months.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, a penultimate
stage
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as taste adjustment with an addition of acid ,
sugar
Correct word choice
and sugar
show examples
 is carried out. It
then
Linking Words
 leads to the final
stage
Use synonyms
 of the
process
Use synonyms
 where they are packaged in bottles.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "after this, subsequently".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words process, stage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 1 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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