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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The bar chart below shows the number of boys and girls playing different types of sports in a city in England called Canterbury in 2012.

The bar chart below shows the number of boys and girls playing different types of sports in a city in England called Canterbury in 2012.
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The given chart compares the number of Canterbury children from each gender who played 6 different sports in 2012, which are tennis, badminton, cycling, swimming, football, and
Hockey
Use synonyms
. In general,
boys
Use synonyms
 had a higher interest in playing most of the available sports compared to the
girls
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 the least chosen
sport
Use synonyms
 was
hockey
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 the graph, albeit being noted as the most favourite
sport
Use synonyms
 for
boys
Use synonyms
 (60%), only one out of 5
girls
Use synonyms
 chose to play football. Following that, the proportion of
boys
Use synonyms
 and
girls
Use synonyms
 who played tennis was 10 to 7.
Similarly
Linking Words
, there were slightly above 35% of
boys
Use synonyms
 and nearly a fifth of
girls
Use synonyms
 who were interested in cycling.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the number of
girls
Use synonyms
 who were playing badminton was higher than
boys
Use synonyms
 by 10%.
Likewise
Linking Words
, half of the
girls
Use synonyms
 decided to swim
while
Linking Words
 only 40% did
this
Linking Words
sport
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
,
hockey
Use synonyms
 was concluded as the least interesting
sport
Use synonyms
 since less than 20% of the children are interested in
hockey
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words hockey, boys, girls, sport with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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