IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

#people #advertisements #products #lives #support
In the contemporary era, some people have a notion that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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advertisements
 cause
of
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apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unnecessary shopping , at the same time, another group asserts that the
advertisements
 of new products can improve our lives.
This
 essay will introduce both
arguement
Correct your spelling
argument
arguments
 and reach a conclusion. On the one hand, we are living
Change preposition
in at
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at
Correct your spelling
a
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 technology era. And most
of
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apply
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people spend their time
at
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on
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 social media. There are many influencers
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 Instagram, Tik Tok etc.. They introduce almost all
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
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 of items. During
spend
Replace the word
spending
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 time
in
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on
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
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social media, we can encounter too many
advertisements
. Especially,
beauty
Capitalize word
Beauty
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 and
selfcare
Correct your spelling
self-care
self care
 sectors are one of the most attractive spheres for society .
For example
;
Last
 Black Friday day, Sephora ,
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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a famous cosmetic brand published many discount
advertisements
 on Instagram and e-trade websites. Their
Ceo
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CEO
show examples
 explained that
,
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apply
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 their sales ratio increased %
15
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by 15
show examples
 percent
by
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of
show examples
 the
advertisements
.
According to
survey
Correct article usage
a survey
show examples
between
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of
show examples
 Sephora customers showed that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 %68 of people
influenced
Add a missing verb
were influenced
show examples
from
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by
show examples
 sales
advertisements
 and they bought many cosmetics products normally they don't use.
On the other hand
,
by
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with
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growth
Add an article
the growth
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 of technology, human life
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 easier. Day by day, almost all technological devices
involve
Wrong verb form
are involved
show examples
 and develop. Sometimes, we can not notice these improvements.
By
Change preposition
Through
show examples
 promotions and commercials, it
become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 easy action to figure out which devices or items are useful for us.
For example
; Dyson, has launched a new 2
hair
 stylers
last
 month. The device's features are defined
according to
hair styles
Correct your spelling
hairstyles
show examples
. Curly, wave
hair
 etc..
Therefore
, curly
hair
 owners can buy a proper hairstyler
due to
 their
hair style
Correct your spelling
hairstyle
show examples
. In conclusion, each particular idea has its own agreements and disagreements. My opinion is, by
advertisements
 and promotions we may purchase many things which we don't really need actually and it will cause
to
Correct pronoun usage
us to
show examples
 shopping
addicted
Replace the word
addict
show examples
.
Submitted by mervekerkuklu on

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task achievement
The essay partially addresses the task, but it lacks a clear position throughout the response. Make sure to consistently address the prompt by stating your viewpoint clearly in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion for a higher score.
coherence cohesion
Coherence could be significantly improved by better organizing the ideas and using cohesive devices effectively. Aim for clear paragraphing with topic sentences that introduce the main idea of each paragraph. Use a variety of linking words to connect sentences and paragraphs smoothly.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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