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Band 4

Some parents say that they should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

#parents #children #part #group #activities #time
Child-rearing style has always been a
part
 of major debate in
this
con-current
Correct your spelling
current
show examples
 age.Some people have a notion that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 taking a place in
group
 activities is very important for child development. At the
sametime
Correct your spelling
same time
, another
group
 asserts that kids should learn how to make
them
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
 busy by
theirselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
show examples
.
This
 essay will introduce both arguments and reach a conclusion.
Initially
,
for living
Change preposition
to live
show examples
Change preposition
in
show examples
a big society needs to be
social
Add an article
a social
show examples
 person. Mostly,
establish
Wrong verb form
establishing
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
social bonds skills
are starting
Wrong verb form
starts
show examples
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
childhood
.
Therefore
 nowadays, many parents consider that being social is very important for their
children
. Generally with starting educational life, kids learn
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
how can be able to
a
Add a missing verb
be a
show examples
social person. They learn to share their toys and play games etc. Some experts explained that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
children
 who attend
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
group
 organizations in their
childhood
, will be more successful than others.
Besides
, being a
part
 of an organization educates
children
 about
human-being
Correct your spelling
human
show examples
 skills and improves their empathy
emotions
Correct word choice
and emotions
show examples
. These
children
are tend
Change the verb form
tend
show examples
 to be more benevolent.
By contrast
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 argue that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 all people are responsible
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
theirselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
show examples
 and don't need
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
another one.
This
 feeling is learned in
childhood
.
Therefore
, kids should learn to occupy themselves without any support.
In addition
,
this
 ability will make
children
 more powerful.
Hence
, they can easily cope with problems by
theirselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
show examples
 in adulthood. In conclusion, each particular idea has its own benefits and drawbacks. My opinion is,
humans
Correct word choice
that humans
show examples
 are social creatures and we are
part
 of a society. We have to improve our social skills
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
adaptation
Replace the word
adapt
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 social life.So, it is important to learn
part
 of a
group
 in
childhood
.
Submitted by mervekerkuklu on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks clear logical structure. Paragraphs and sentences should be connected with appropriate linking words to guide the reader smoothly from one idea to the next. Introduction and conclusion could be more clearly defined with stronger thesis statements and summaries.
task achievement
The ideas expressed are not fully developed and elaborated. Each main point should be supported with clear, relevant examples and explanations. Make sure to expand on the ideas with more detailed analysis.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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