IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many teenagers are encouraged by their parents to get a part-time job. What are the advantages and disadvantages of teenagers working part-time?

#teenagers #parents #job
Some
parents
 are determined to teach their
children
 to
work
 part-time at an early
age
. Even though it is not good, I wholeheartedly believe
children
 must be educated at a young
age
 to become independent and not have trouble in the future. Forcing
children
 to
work
 at an early
age
 is not good for their social lives. They will have less time to play with their friends. If
children
 have been working part-time, it will make them tired and not focus on their studies.
For instance
, if they
work
 from 7 p.m. to 11 p.m.
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when they get back home and sleep late, they will wake up late, go to school, and not have time to do their homework, and
as a result
, they will get punished. It is better if
children
 spend their teens focusing on school.
Nevertheless
,
parents
 who encourage their
children
 to
work
 part-time are well-educated.
In addition
,
children
 can learn to be self-determined to earn
money
 by themselves and to be aware of how to manage
money
.
For example
, they can buy the latest smartphone as they want and do not ask for
money
 from their
parents
.
That is
 why it is important to be independent at an early
age
.
Further
, working part-time is a good way to collect a lot of
money
 and save for their future.
Thus
, teenagers might
work
 hard to get a better life.
For instance
, when they want to start a business, they
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
have to borrow from the bank again so they can use their savings. Teaching
children
 to
work
 is a good education, for they will survive in their lives.
Parents
 who encourage their
children
 to
work
 part-time might have less time for socialization,
although
 it can educate them to survive in life and they could fight for a better life.
Parents
 must teach their
children
 to become independent, but they must
also
 think about their social lives.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introductory paragraph should set the topic and outline the advantages and disadvantages that will be discussed.
content development
Your main points should be clearly presented with separate paragraphs for each advantage or disadvantage. Develop each of these with supporting sentences that expand on the point.
examples
Include specific, relevant examples that demonstrate the advantages and disadvantages mentioned. Abstract statements lack the convincing element that examples provide.
cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas and paragraphs. Review use of cohesive devices to ensure they are enhancing the flow of the essay, not causing confusion.
balance of argument
Your essay appears to lean more towards supporting teenagers working part-time without thoroughly examining the disadvantages, affecting the balance of your argument. Be sure to address the prompt evenly.
sentence structure
Watch out for sentences that are too long or complex, as they can become unclear or even have grammatical errors. Use a mix of simple and complex sentences to maintain clarity.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: