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Band 5.5

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing. Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend? Give reasons for your answer, and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#minutes #people #activities #mountain #risk #lives #trend
Nowadays,
people
 spend the majority of their leisure time on extreme activities in
nature
 to fight on their adrenaline. In my opinion,
people
 have a big preference for
this
 agenda because of hobbies and decide to explore more about
nature
 as far as they can.
This
 can be a positive development for health and I believe there are other good impacts that can arise from that;
however
, the other detrimental effects can lead to harmful situations. First of all,
people
 will try dangerous things just to follow their interests.
Besides
, doing exercise in a fresh place
shows improving
Wrong verb form
improves
show examples
people
's health.
For example
, extreme hobbies
such
 as hang-gliding mountain climbing and sky diving have been proven by scientists that alleviate anxiety, fretting, and many mental health issues. In other words, making a decision on a dangerous hobby encourages individuals to be more healthy in both physics and mentality.
Secondly
, risky sports will motivate a person to be aware of how essential their lives are in
this
 world.
For instance
, scuba diving has
led
Verb problem
put
show examples
 many
people
 in danger and after facing a notorious happening which brings their lives to death and life, that person will be more realise how important life
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is. By experiencing that adventurous thing, happiness will be coming from the bottom of their hearts.
Lastly
,
according to
 observation
people
 who participate in unfamiliar sports have a high awareness of
nature
. They always try to empower children to care more about protecting
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 and not destroy it as
nature
 brings a calm atmosphere for them. In conclusion, in terms of extreme activities,
people
 do it mostly as a hobby and in
this
 era, it has to be a positive trend for young children since it leads
many
Change preposition
to many
show examples
 good impacts.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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task achievement
Ensure all parts of the task are sufficiently covered. Your essay meets the minimum word requirement, but the explanations could have been more fully developed to show a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Enhance the clarity of your ideas by maintaining focus and expanding on the reasons why people engage in extreme activities. Additionally, discuss in greater depth whether you believe this is a good trend or not.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. While you have included examples, making them more detailed and relevant would strengthen your argument and provide clearer insight into your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay into clear paragraphs with distinct topic sentences. Each paragraph should deal with one aspect of the question, with a logical progression from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
Work on linking words and phrases to help your essay flow more naturally. There were instances of abrupt transitions that could be improved with better use of cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction and conclusion are both clear and concise, offering a complete view of your essay's direction and closing thoughts.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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