In some countries, many children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people say it is the responsibility of governments to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

With producing many sugar
productes
Correct your spelling
products
, many children in some countries become overweight. Many adults think, that it's the
responsobility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
of
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
to solve
this
problem. I don't agree with that statement and will
proof
Replace the word
prove
show examples
it in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
,
while
governments can provide resources and regulations, it is ultimately the responsibility of parents to ensure that their children are maintaining a healthy lifestyle. How much
Correct article usage
the goverment
show examples
goverment would't
Correct your spelling
government would
try to fight with
obesityof
Correct your spelling
obesity
obesity of
kids, they can't do it
while
parents will encourage their children to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
healthy lifestyle.
For example
, if
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
makes junk food's price higher,
grown ups
Add a hyphen
grown-ups
show examples
still will buy them
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
their kids.
Secondly
, there is a risk that too much state interference might infringe on personal freedoms and the ability of individuals to make their own choices. By making some taboos (even if it
great
Add a missing verb
is great
show examples
for over health)
government
violates freedom of choice.
For instance
, if they ban
sugary
Add an article
the sugary
a sugary
show examples
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
, there may
will
Remove a modal verb
apply
show examples
be some meetings and people may judge
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
. So it will not help to win
war
Add an article
the war
a war
show examples
between kids and obesity.
To conclude
, I believe that
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
government
Add a verb
government is
government was
show examples
not
respinsible
Correct your spelling
responsible
to solve
Change preposition
for solving
show examples
that problem, because it's
Correct article usage
the responsobility
show examples
responsobility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
of their parents and if they do something, it will
against
Add a missing verb
be against
show examples
our freedom.
Submitted by satkalialbina07 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The introduction and conclusion are present but could be more effectively articulated to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Focus on organizing your essay with clear and logical transitions between paragraphs. The use of cohesive devices is limited and does not tie ideas together seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with detailed and specific examples. The essay lacks illustrative examples that are strong and relevant to the topic.
task achievement
The essay should fully address the task by engaging with the statement given and presenting a comprehensive response. The engagement with the statement should be more thoroughly developed.
task achievement
Develop ideas fully to form clear, comprehensive points within each paragraph. The essay fails to elaborate on points with comprehensive clarity and logic.
task achievement
Use a range of vocabulary and sentence structures. The essay displays limited lexical resources and grammatical constructions, which detracts from the clarity.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • epidemic
  • obesity
  • regulate
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • nutritional education
  • caloric intake
  • lifestyle diseases
  • physical inactivity
  • public health campaigns
  • regulatory measures
  • junk food
  • health initiatives
  • fiscal policies
  • metabolic disorders
  • parental guidance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: