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Band 5

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#countries #service #men #school #idea #system #women
The mandatory
Correct article usage
Mandatory
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 military service is considered
as
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apply
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a good idea for all nations, as many countries have applied
this
program
 for young men after they graduated. Some people suggested that
this
 idea would
also
 be possible for women. I agree
this
program
 would
bring
Verb problem
have
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positive
Correct article usage
a positive
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 impact
for
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on
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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national securities and
this
 essay will explain my position.
Firstly
, some nations are facing several problems regarding their national affairs
such
 as
defense
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defence
show examples
 and foreign politics.
This
program
 could help as a preventive action against
those crisis
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that crisis
those crises
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. These young men and women can be prepared as
first-liner
Fix the agreement mistake
first-liners
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 in order to face
the
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apply
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unexpected events
such
 as war and
riot
Fix the agreement mistake
riots
show examples
.
For example
, the government of South Korea has trained their young people in military
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
 as a preparation
of
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for
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 invasion from the troops of North Korea.
Secondly
, these young people will be experiencing
different
Correct article usage
a different
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 environment in
military
Correct article usage
the military
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 corps. The
program
 will teach them how to be strong and brave in any conditions, in order to face chaotic situations.
In addition
,
this
program
 will
also
 be considered as a personal development
program
.
For instance
, a crisis or chaos would not only happen in war but
also
 in daily activities.
To conclude
, a mandatory military
program
 will not only give positive feedback
for
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to
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 the authorities but
also
for
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to
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 the younger generation. In
this
 training, they will be able to protect their own country and learn useful things from the instructors. Even though not all countries would face a political crisis
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
at least
this
 military
program
 can help them to prepare for unexpected circumstances.
Submitted by nadhif2799 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic which is expanded and developed throughout the entire paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to demonstrate cohesion and enhance readability.
task achievement
Develop supporting ideas with specific examples and detailed explanations to better illustrate main points.
task achievement
Avoid overly general statements without substantiating them with concrete evidence or examples which directly relate to the question.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
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