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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The pie charts below compare water usage in San Diego, California and the rest of the world.

The pie charts below compare water usage in San Diego, California and the rest of the world.
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The pie graphs contrast the consumption of
the
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water
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 in three different categories, namely, residential, industry, and
agriculture
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 in
San
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Diego
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,
California
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, and
in
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apply
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the
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worldwide. From an
overall
Linking Words
 perspective, it is noticeable that
agriculture
Use synonyms
 consumes the largest amount of
water
Use synonyms
 in the world.
However
Linking Words
, people’s consumption of the
water
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 in industry’s category experiences the lowest. As is obviously shown in the pie charts,
the
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agriculture
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is accounted
Wrong verb form
accounts
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 for 69%
in
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of
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 the
worldwide
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world
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 which is approximately near
to
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apply
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the percentage of
the
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water
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 usage in residential in
San
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Diego
Use synonyms
 nation, at 60% and 39% and 8% in
California
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, and
in
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apply
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the
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worldwide, respectively.
However
Linking Words
, the
Use synonyms
agriculture
Replace the word
agricultural
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 usage of
water
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 in
California
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 witness 28%
while
Linking Words
 the rate usage of
water
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 in
San
Use synonyms
Diego
Use synonyms
 is 17%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the smallest amount of
the
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consumption of
the
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water
Use synonyms
 is
accounted
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accounts
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 for 23%
in
Change preposition
of
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 industry in both,
San
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Diego
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, and
in
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apply
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the rest of the world.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, people use more
water
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 in
California
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 for industry expenditure with a percentage of 33%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words water, agriculture, san, diego, california with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • proportion
  • households
  • significant
  • industrial use
  • implications
  • agriculture
  • geographical
  • climatic
  • economic factors
  • patterns
  • sustainability
  • practices
  • surprising
  • exceptionally
  • improvements
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