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Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people believe that unpaid Community Services should be a compute Story Part of High School programs for example working for a charity improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #community #services #compute #story #part #school #programs #charity #neighborhood #sports #children
Doing
valentry
Correct your spelling
voluntary
 vote for
children
 have some benefits for the relationship in the society. I
am
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not only agree with
this
 opinion in the its compulsory aspects, but
also
 agree with the its positive aspect of it,
beside
Correct word choice
besides
show examples
 it can be grown some aspects of the personality.
Although
, nowadays, some
parents
 believe that their
children
 should
be spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 all their time in education, they do not have sufficient information about the impacts of the doing the unpaid world in making the infrastructure of the
children
's personality.
Such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 promoting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
kindless
Correct your spelling
kindness
 among
people
 or paying attention to the problems when some
people
 are
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
involved in it and that
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
leads to helping them to solve
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. In fact, participation in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
voluntary
work
 for
children
 would
be taken
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 some positive aspects in improving
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
their
communication
 with other
people
 or their classmates. From my point of view, creative the friendly
communication
 is the first outcome of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
voluntary
work
.
On the other hand
, when
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 want to
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
participation
Replace the word
participate
show examples
 in some unpaid
work
, in fact they can grow
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
kindness
Replace the word
kind
show examples
 generation persons in the future , but it should not
compulsory
Add a missing verb
be compulsory
show examples
.
For instance
,
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
children
a child
show examples
children
 can help
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
his friend in
difficult
Add an article
a difficult
show examples
 situation when he
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 learned
this
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 his
parents
. In my opinion, our
communication
oriented
Add a missing verb
is oriented
show examples
of
Change preposition
toward
show examples
our
Change the word
the
show examples
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 that we learned
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in our childhood
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 our
parents
 or
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 did them in lower
adges
Correct your spelling
grades
 freely.
Hence
, we cannot
ignored
Change the verb form
ignore
be ignored
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the impacts of what we
did
Verb problem
apply
show examples
do in the different years of our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, so it would be better if the
parents
assistant
Replace the word
assist
show examples
 their
children
 in
choose
Wrong verb form
choosing
show examples
 the best decision, especially in doing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
voluntary
work
 in their childhood, regardless of doing it compulsory lately. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 can guide themselves to being a kind heart person
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 the most effective
communication
 with other
people
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 what they have
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
done
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in their childhood, especially
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
voluntary
work
.
Submitted by Pegahghaderi85 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay shows an attempt to structure your ideas; however, there is a lack of clear and logical progression in your argument. Try to organize your essay into clear paragraphs, each with a single main idea that is developed and supported.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion of the essay are present but are not fully effective in stating the essay's purpose and summarizing its main points. Enhance these sections by clearly stating your thesis and summarizing your argument succinctly in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The main points in your essay are mentioned but not well supported. Aim to develop each point with an explanation and where possible, provide specific examples to illustrate your statements.
task achievement
Your essay partially addresses the prompt but fails to fully develop a clear position throughout. To improve, ensure that you clearly state your opinion and comprehensively address all parts of the task. Provide more well-developed reasons, details, and examples to support your views.
task achievement
While some ideas are relevant, there's a need for clearer and more comprehensive exposition of your thoughts. Strive for clarity by carefully explaining your main ideas and exploring those ideas in depth.
task achievement
The use of specific examples is critical in bringing your points to life. Include real-life examples or hypothetical situations to support your argument, which will also help demonstrate your understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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