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Band 4.5

Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men

#people #women #army #navy #air #force #men
Some groups of community tend to think, that males and females are suitable to serve in the military, the Navy and the Air Force. Personally, I think that women bring more benefits
being
Change preposition
to being
show examples
 out of the army. The arguments are illustrated in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
, it is well known, that nowadays both sexes are equally skillful in different areas of our life.
For example
, ladies are appreciated in the educational, healthcare, administrative and management sectors.
Thus
, modern women can fulfil other vital aspects rather than the military sector. Their hard and soft skills are highly required in day to day life of the citizens. It is one of the
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
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 that I am against
this
 statement.
On the other hand
, it can be argued that having equal abilities, and female appearance may not allow them to work in specific military services. Take
for example
 hard work carrying heavy things, and field jobs in bad weather conditions which require more effort and manpower. Girls are gentle by nature,
this
 is another fact that strict conditions worsen their reality. In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account, it is
also
 crucial to say that growing children need a mom at home. The military service does not give
such
 an opportunity to families. It will bring social misunderstandings, and
as a consequence
, will end up with a national problem. So, I believe that females can afford to find help in other sectors of their lives despite being soldiers in the army force.
Submitted by 1arkanta on

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Task Achievement
The candidate's response to the topic is fairly clear, but the essay would benefit from a stronger introduction and a fully developed conclusion. The introduction does not clearly set out the writer's position, and the conclusion is incomplete. To improve, the candidate should state their position clearly in the introduction and provide a well-rounded conclusion that summarizes the main points of the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay shows a basic organizational structure but lacks logical connectors and clear topic sentences. To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should use a variety of linking words and phrases to show the relationship between ideas. Additionally, each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point to be discussed in that paragraph.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender equality
  • combat roles
  • physical prowess
  • stamina
  • dynamics
  • cohesion
  • resilience
  • integration
  • gender disparities
  • morale
  • recruitment
  • retention
  • biological differences
  • stereotypes
  • feminism
  • glass ceiling
  • break barriers
  • pioneer
  • groundbreaking
What to do next:
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