IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Being a part of the military forces is considered to be the highest honour for any individual. Some groups of community think, that females are suitable to serve in the military, the Navy and the Air Force just like males. I tend to agree that women bring more benefits to being out of the army. The arguments are illustrated in the following paragraphs with relevant examples.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it is well known, that women are skilful in other areas of life.
For instance
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, girls are appreciated in the educational, healthcare, administrative and management sectors. Their hard and soft skills are highly required in day to day life of the citizens.
Thus
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, modern women can fulfil other crucial aspects rather than the military sector.
Secondly
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, strength is considered to be a vital requirement to join the combat forces. Another question is to meet those regular standards of strength. Female appearance may not allow them to work in specific military services. Take
for example
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 hard work carrying heavy things, and field jobs in bad weather conditions, which require more effort and manpower.
As a result
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, gentle ladies may not get priority for
this
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 specific reason, as
this
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 is a matter of national security.
Thirdly
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, it is
also
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 crucial to say that growing children need a mother at home. The military service
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not give
such
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opportunity
Correct article usage
an opportunity
show examples
 to families. As an example, some mothers do their duty far from home for several months. So, family issues are still important and are not solved for soldier wives and moms. It will bring
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
social problems
,
Correct word choice
and, as
show examples
as a consequence
Linking Words
 will end up with
national
Add an article
a national
show examples
 headache. In conclusion, taking into account above-said, females can
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
serve in other sectors of their lives despite being soldiers in the army force, which
also
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 requires a big effort in terms of physical attributes and stamina
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
like
Replace the word
as
show examples
 men have,
also
Linking Words
 they can let them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
be with
closests
Correct your spelling
closest
closets
 rather than outside on duty.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Improve the logical flow of ideas by ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next and that each main point is clearly linked to the overall argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion are clear and reflect the main points of your essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Enhance the support for your main points with clear, specific examples and explanations that directly relate to the topic at hand.
Task Achievement
Address the task more completely by discussing both sides of the argument to a greater extent and developing your own position more fully.
Task Achievement
Clarify and expand upon your ideas so that they are comprehensive and leave no room for doubt regarding your argument.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more specific examples and details to back up your arguments and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender equality
  • combat roles
  • physical prowess
  • stamina
  • dynamics
  • cohesion
  • resilience
  • integration
  • gender disparities
  • morale
  • recruitment
  • retention
  • biological differences
  • stereotypes
  • feminism
  • glass ceiling
  • break barriers
  • pioneer
  • groundbreaking
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