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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays many people have easy acess to computers and a large number of children play computer games. what are the negative impacts of playing computer games? what can be done to minimize the bad effect?

#people #acess #computers #children #computer #games #impacts #effect
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There has been a tremendous increase in the number of individuals questioning the bad consequences of playing video
games
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 for
children
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. One of the main dangers of
this
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 worrying trend is linked to the deterioration of academic performance at
the
Correct article usage
apply
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schools.
However
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, there are solutions readily available to tackle
this
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 issue
such
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 as
parents
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 monitoring their
kids
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kid's
kids'
show examples
 playing duration regularly.
To begin
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, there is an argument to be made that computer
games
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 consume
children
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’s
time
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 and distract them away from their school homework.
For example
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, one-third of
parents
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 in Toronto city reported a markedly increased failing rate for their
children
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, after they bought them Playstation 5.
For
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this
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 reason, it is evident that these
games
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 hold the
children
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 for long hours in front of the
computers
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computer's
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 screen,
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as
Correct word choice
and as
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 a result
drove
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drive
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 their focus away from
the
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apply
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education
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. What is more,
children
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 started
demonostrating
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demonstrating
 substantially rising aggressive behaviours with their classmates as reported by their teachers.
This
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 being the case, it can be assumed that if
children
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 continue to dedicate more
time
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with
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to
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 these
games
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,
this
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 would lead to
Linking Words
further
Correct article usage
a further
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 fall in their
education
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 level, and many could drop out of their school. In order to resolve
this
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 troubling issue, one viable solution would be for the
parents
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 to regulate their
kids
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kid's
kids'
show examples
 playing
activity
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activities
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 and control their behaviour.
For instance
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, educating the
children
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 about the importance of their
education
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 and its future impact on their life
,
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apply
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 could make them aware of the harmful outcomes of excessive gaming.
Therefore
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,
it is clear that
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parents
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 have the responsibility to prevent any worsening progression of the situation by discussing the value of
the
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apply
show examples
education
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 with their kids.
Furthermore
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,
parents
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 should
also
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enroll
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enrol
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 their
children
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 in various practical workshops to develop their practical skills,
as a
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result
Add the comma(s)
result,
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 they
are
Wrong verb form
will be
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 more interested
to concentrate
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in concentrating
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 on their future. With
this
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 in mind, there is no doubt that if
parents
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 coordinate with their
children
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 and schedule their gaming
time
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,
this
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 would prevent any possible negative consequences
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their future.
To conclude
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, the overwhelming evidence seems to suggest that gaming lowered
the
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apply
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
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 grades at
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
 and impaired their success rate in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
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.
However
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, it is still possible to turn the tide by involving the
parents
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 in controlling their behaviour at
homes
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home
show examples
 and
mointoring
Correct your spelling
monitoring
 their playing
time
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.
Submitted by ototonji.ot on

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task achievement
While you have addressed the main points of the topic, there is room for improvement in making your argument more comprehensive. Your ideas need to be developed further with more specific examples and a clearer explanation of how and why the negative impacts occur and what specific measures can be taken to address these problems. To enhance your task achievement score, ensure all parts of the question are fully answered and supported with detailed reasons and examples.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a decent structure, with an introduction and conclusion present. However, to improve coherence and cohesion, focus on organizing your ideas more logically, ensuring each paragraph flows naturally to the next. Make better use of cohesive devices and varying your sentence structures to express your points clearly. This can enhance the reader's understanding and keep their interest throughout your essay. Pay attention to spelling and ensure that all words are used appropriately, as errors such as 'demonostrating' detract from the overall quality of your essay.
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