Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

Sugar
is a major ingredient of numerous food and drink
products
witch
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
if used
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
level,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
would bring about inevitable health issues.
due to
this
the cost of these kinds of
products
should be increased. I completely disagree with
this
statement, as I believe that more effective solutions exist to tackle
this
problem and
people
can distinguish which
foods
are good and adverse. There is no need to increase the sugary
products
' price. These days, the majority of
people
in nations know about the detrimental impacts of these
products
and in my opinion, it is a personal decision for everyone to what extent have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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consumed
foods
and drinks with
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
high amount of
sugar
.
Moreover
, the majority of kids are keen on eating these
products
and
according to
many investigations, the brain needs to gain a great amount of
sugar
in
this
phase of life to be able to grow well.
Therefore
,
such
foods
should be affordable for all families with different
range
Fix the agreement mistake
ranges
show examples
of income.
Consequently
, making
high calory
Correct your spelling
high-calorie
show examples
products
expensive not only wouldn't be practical, but
also
cause poor
people
could not afford it to meet their children's
necessity
Fix the agreement mistake
necessities
show examples
.
Furthermore
,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
myriad of influential actions can be taken to address
this
problem.
Firstly
, advertisement is a powerful method in order to draw
people
's attention and stimulate them by representing the benefits and drawbacks.
Hence
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
could invest in advertising to foster less consumption of
sugar
.
Secondly
, launching
awareness
Correct article usage
an awareness
show examples
campaign which
focus
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focuses
show examples
on the emergence of
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
Change preposition
of disease
show examples
disease
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diseases
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associated with the intake of excessive
sugar
.
Finally
, several programs can be implemented to improve
availability
Add an article
the availability
show examples
of
low calories
Correct your spelling
low-calorie
show examples
foods
and beverages at home.
such
as delivering
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
bottled water and diet
drink
Fix the agreement mistake
drinks
show examples
. In conclusion, I find putting up the cost of sugary
products
impractical as individuals
entitle
Wrong verb form
are entitled
show examples
to choose their own lifestyle and
sugar
is essential for the health of youngsters. Some strategies like adverts and founding
campaign
Fix the agreement mistake
campaigns
show examples
can be beneficial to reduce the usage of
sugar
.
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coherence cohesion
There are several areas in which the coherence and cohesion of your essay could be improved. The logical structure should be more consistent, with clearer progression between points. You should also make sure that each paragraph introduces a central idea and develops it fully before moving on to the next point. Furthermore, work on crafting a more definitive introduction and conclusion. The introduction should succinctly state your position, while the conclusion should effectively summarize your main points without introducing new ideas.
task achievement
You have addressed the task, but there is room for more thorough exploration of the question posed. Your response should more fully explore potential counterarguments and offer a range of supporting details. Ideas could be expressed more comprehensively, ensuring that your position on the topic is abundantly clear throughout the essay. Specific examples should be detailed and directly relevant to support your arguments better.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

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Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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