IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

Sugar
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 is a major ingredient of numerous food and drink
products
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witch
Correct your spelling
which
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 if used
in
Change preposition
at
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high
Correct article usage
a high
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 level,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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would bring about inevitable health issues.
due to
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this
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 the cost of these kinds of
products
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 should be increased. I completely disagree with
this
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 statement, as I believe that more effective solutions exist to tackle
this
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 problem and
people
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 can distinguish which
foods
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 are good and adverse. There is no need to increase the sugary
products
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' price. These days, the majority of
people
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 in nations know about the detrimental impacts of these
products
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 and in my opinion, it is a personal decision for everyone to what extent have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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consumed
foods
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 and drinks with
the
Correct article usage
a
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 high amount of
sugar
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.
Moreover
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, the majority of kids are keen on eating these
products
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 and
according to
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 many investigations, the brain needs to gain a great amount of
sugar
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 in
this
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 phase of life to be able to grow well.
Therefore
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,
such
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foods
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 should be affordable for all families with different
range
Fix the agreement mistake
ranges
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 of income.
Consequently
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, making
high calory
Correct your spelling
high-calorie
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products
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 expensive not only wouldn't be practical, but
also
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 cause poor
people
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 could not afford it to meet their children's
necessity
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necessities
show examples
.
Furthermore
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,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 myriad of influential actions can be taken to address
this
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 problem.
Firstly
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, advertisement is a powerful method in order to draw
people
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's attention and stimulate them by representing the benefits and drawbacks.
Hence
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,
government
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the government
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 could invest in advertising to foster less consumption of
sugar
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.
Secondly
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, launching
awareness
Correct article usage
an awareness
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 campaign which
focus
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focuses
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 on the emergence of
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
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Change preposition
of disease
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disease
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diseases
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 associated with the intake of excessive
sugar
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.
Finally
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, several programs can be implemented to improve
availability
Add an article
the availability
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 of
low calories
Correct your spelling
low-calorie
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foods
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 and beverages at home.
such
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 as delivering
of
Change preposition
apply
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bottled water and diet
drink
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drinks
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. In conclusion, I find putting up the cost of sugary
products
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 impractical as individuals
entitle
Wrong verb form
are entitled
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 to choose their own lifestyle and
sugar
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 is essential for the health of youngsters. Some strategies like adverts and founding
campaign
Fix the agreement mistake
campaigns
show examples
 can be beneficial to reduce the usage of
sugar
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.

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coherence cohesion
There are several areas in which the coherence and cohesion of your essay could be improved. The logical structure should be more consistent, with clearer progression between points. You should also make sure that each paragraph introduces a central idea and develops it fully before moving on to the next point. Furthermore, work on crafting a more definitive introduction and conclusion. The introduction should succinctly state your position, while the conclusion should effectively summarize your main points without introducing new ideas.
task achievement
You have addressed the task, but there is room for more thorough exploration of the question posed. Your response should more fully explore potential counterarguments and offer a range of supporting details. Ideas could be expressed more comprehensively, ensuring that your position on the topic is abundantly clear throughout the essay. Specific examples should be detailed and directly relevant to support your arguments better.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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