IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people say that computer skills should be added to primary subjects in elementary school such as reading, writing and math. For far do you agree or disagree?

#people #computer #skills #subjects #school #math
It is thought by many people that
computer
skills
 need to be added to primary lessons in elementary school, starting with reading, writing and
mathemathic
Correct your spelling
mathematics
mathematic
. I highly disagree with
this
 statement since it leads to a disadvantage for
students
. Nowadays, the
major
Fix the agreement mistake
majors
show examples
 in college mainly
dominate
Change the form of the verb
dominated
show examples
 by Artificial Intelligence (AI) and
computer
 science because
computer
skills
 are needed since the development of technology
begins
Wrong verb form
began
show examples
 to grow faster.
As a result
,
students
 need to adapt to
this
 situation where
computer
skills
 should be added to the main subjects.
Furthermore
,
this
 could be an excellent opportunity for them in the future to get better careers.
For instance
, in America, the majority of companies prefer to find fresh graduates
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 graduate from
Correct article usage
the computers
show examples
computers
Change the noun form
computer
show examples
 department.
On the other hand
, it is known that
computer
skills
 are challenging subjects because it contains a lot of data and
calculation
Fix the agreement mistake
calculations
show examples
such
 as mathematics. Their main activities
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
young
Correct article usage
a young
show examples
 age are playing and relaxing, if it
taken
Add a missing verb
is taken
show examples
 by them, they might get very
stress
Replace the word
stressed
show examples
 about it. To illustrate, research shows that parents tend to ask their teenagers to open their books and take notes rather than go out.
As a consequence
, many of the
students
 start to feel
stress
Wrong verb form
stressed
show examples
 and get less
consetration
Correct your spelling
concentration
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a class
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
caused
Wrong verb form
causes
show examples
 them to often get bad scores.
In other words
,
adullts
Correct your spelling
adults
 need to pay attention to the situations of the
students
. In conclusion,
although
computer
 subjects might help
students
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
enhance their abilities,
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 conditions
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
need to be
thought
Verb problem
taught
show examples
 carefully. It could result
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
drawbacks for the
students
.
Submitted by ieltswriting91 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear and logical structure. The introduction does not clearly state your opinion. There's a need for clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader.
task achievement
The essay should have presented a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument clearly, but it primarily focused on one side.
task achievement
The essay did contain some examples, but they seemed anecdotal and were not fully explored or explained to support the main points effectively.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: