IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation，such as an unsatisfactory job or lack of money . Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations. discuss both view and give your own opinion

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Many assert that accepting a bad situation,
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 as
lack
Correct article usage
a lack

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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 of satisfaction in financial condition, is the best option a person could make,
while
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 others argue that trying and improving the situation
are
Change the verb form
is

The verb are does not seem to agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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 better. I believe each choice has its own benefits and drawbacks. In
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 essay, I will explain both views and address my personal opinion. On
one
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 hand, accepting
one
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

's bad condition is a considerable decision since plenty of effort
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is

It seems that the verb are does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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 needed for an individual to
achieves
Wrong verb form
achieve

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb achieves. Consider changing it.

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 a greater quality of
job
Add an article
the job

The noun phrase job seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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.
Furthermore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, changing that big aspect of
life
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 will cost an abundant amount of cash, time, and energy.
Moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, there is zero guarantee
for
Correct word choice
that

It seems that conjunction use may be incorrect here.

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 a person to get a better
life
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 once they try to change their situation by starting a business or enrolling
to
Change preposition
on

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 a high-status company. As a shred of evidence, in Jakarta, more than
a
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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half of all start-ups established by inexperienced young adults ended up
bankrupted
Change the form of the verb
bankrupt

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb bankrupted. Consider changing it.

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.
To conclude
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it is quite risky for someone to put so much effort
for
Change preposition
into

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 the uncertainty of success.
On the other hand
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, trying to improve
one
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

's
life
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 can create
a
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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room for success. Investing
one
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

's resources to enrich their knowledge
on
Change preposition
in

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 a certain field will give
them
Correct pronoun usage
one

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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 a higher chance
to
Change preposition
of

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 a
life
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

's rectification.
For instance
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, investing in financial management books,
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 as Rich Dad Poor Dad,
The
Correct word choice
and The

It seems that conjunction use may be incorrect here.

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 Psychology of Money, will later help an individual to achieve their ideal income. Despite the uncertainty of trying, it will still open a new way to
a
Correct article usage
the

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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 betterment of
one
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

's future. In a nutshell, even though it is considerably risky to try and change
one
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

's
life
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 condition, it will still bring an opportunity to reach success. It will be a wiser choice for someone to actually try to gain
a
Remove the article
apply

The indefinite article, a, may be redundant when used with the uncountable noun furtherance in your sentence. Consider removing it.

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furtherance of their
life
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 rather than accepting their fate the way it is.

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introduction conclusion present
The essay lacks a fully developed introduction and conclusion which are crucial for setting the topic context and summarizing the main points clearly. To improve, ensure that the introduction provides a clear stance on the issue, and that the conclusion succinctly recaps the essay's arguments.
logical structure
The overall logical structure of the essay is weak. Ideas seem to jump from one to the other without proper transition or logical progression. Improve this by presenting points in a more organized manner with clear paragraphing and use of cohesive devices to guide the reader smoothly from one idea to another.
supported main points
While main points are somewhat supported, the essay would benefit from more detailed examples and explanations to strengthen the argument. Consider using concrete data, real-world examples, or hypothetical scenarios to illustrate points more vividly.
complete response
The response lacks a clear position throughout the essay, which could leave the reader unsure of your stance. Make sure to state your opinion clearly in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for a stronger task achievement.
clear comprehensive ideas
Though the ideas are relevant, they could be developed more comprehensively. Expanding upon the given points with more elaborate reasoning or examples could improve the clarity and depth of the ideas presented.
relevant specific examples
Using specific examples is good, but they need to be entirely pertinent and clearly explained. The given example about start-ups in Jakarta is a step in the right direction, but more specificity or additional examples would more effectively support the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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