IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

An increased number of people today change their career and living places in their lives. Is it a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #change #career #places #lives #development
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Career-shifting that happens is likely to become a quintessential saturated working environment, by an abundant workload, expectation of wage or salary paid by the workplaces, and appreciation.
Nonetheless
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, it can be beneficial in terms of keeping the high competition in human
society
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,
thus
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, resulting in more agility and igniting the willingness to learn. Workload seems to be a preeminent variable that plays a pivotal role in
people
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's consideration when they are applying for a
job
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.
People
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 likely tend to have a more rational balance between the task given to them with the money they receive.
However
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, the quality of the duty done by them may be a basis for calculating their salary. It sometimes becomes irrational for
job
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 seekers. These conditions of expectation imbalance between them lead to dissatisfaction,
therefore
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, there may be a high possibility of a career change. Another reason is the appraisal from the leaders. It is quite quirky
,
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apply
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 but may influence the psychological aspects of the workers.
People
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 who work in the garment sector have witnessed more pressured circumstances and less appreciation than others who work in the tourism sector,
for example
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.
Thus
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, they have less possibility to stay than the others. Those factors likely make
people
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 more robust than before because of the unwell workspace. The improvement forms an agile and
people
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's willingness to learn more , in order to reap better
job
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 opportunities. If
this
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 becomes a herd, the competition level in
society
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 may upheaval and lead to a better ecosystem than an embryonic more civilized community .
To conclude
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, the change of career may be a sign of a worse
job
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 place, indicating several reasons. Yet,
this
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 may be a lucrative one for
society
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 because of emerging
people
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's potential. I hope a better understanding of it will lead to a better future for human
society
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.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Task Achievement
While the essay attempts to address the topic, the response seems somewhat generic and lacks depth. It would benefit from a clearer argumentative structure with a more explicit thesis statement to outline the writer's viewpoint on whether the development is positive or negative.
Coherence/Cohesion
The coherence is somewhat hampered by the occasional awkward phrasing, which can obscure meaning and hinder the logical flow of information. Aim for clarity and simplicity in expression, and introduce ideas progressively with a logical sequence.
Task Achievement
The essay lacks concrete and relevant examples to back up the points made. Including specific examples from real-life scenarios or citing credible sources would strengthen the argument and demonstrate an understanding of the topic.
Coherence/Cohesion
The use of complex sentences and a varied vocabulary is noted; however, it is essential to ensure that complexity does not compromise clarity. Aim to balance complex linguistic structures with readability and precise communication.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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