IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that individuals should be responsible for their own health and healthcare. Others argue that it is the government's responsibility to provide healthcare services. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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It is still a debatable issue regarding the ownership of an individual’s
health
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 and
healthcare
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. Some people argue that it should become everyone’s responsibility,
while
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 others think that the governments take a main role in providing
healthcare
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 services. In my opinion, I believe that
health
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status
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 is an urgency that should be paid attention by individuals. On the one hand, governments have a pivotal role in enhancing the
health
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status
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 of their society, and one of the strategic moves to execute that goal is by constructing public sports centres to become more accessible.
For instance
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, if more courts are built near neighbourhoods,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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basketball lovers would be interested to
involve
Wrong verb form
involved
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 in
basket
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basketball
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 tournaments.
As a result
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, when the motivation is supported by the proper facilities, surely it will enhance the
health
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status
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 of the population.
On the other hand
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, all of the advanced sports facilities will become a waste if there is no eagerness from society to maintain a healthy lifestyle. As the
health
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 degree cannot be obtained only by doing physical exercise, the majority part needs to be taken is by consuming healthy diets. Take diabetes disease as an example. Research explains that 90% of total cases are caused by poor lifestyle,
such
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 as high consumption of sugar and combined with laziness to do some exercises.
Thus
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, public sports centres will not contribute significantly if people do not have the awareness and spirit to look after their
health
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 conditions.
To sum up
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, it may be helpful if governments support increasing
health
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status
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 by developing
healthcare
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 services.
However
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, in my opinion, it becomes everyone's responsibility to keep the willingness to maintain their own
health
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 and
healthcare
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.

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coherence cohesion
The overall logical structure of your essay requires considerable improvement. Your writing seems to jump between ideas rather abruptly without clear transitions, making it difficult for the reader to follow your line of reasoning. Ensure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next, with clear topic sentences and cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are present, but they are not effectively articulated. Your introduction should more clearly introduce the topic, outline the main points to be discussed, and state your own stance. Your conclusion should summarise the main points and restate your opinion with conviction. Work on sharpening these critical components of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The main points are supported, but they could be more fully developed and precise. Instead of simply stating examples, elaborate on them to clearly demonstrate how they support your points. This will strengthen the persuasiveness of your argument.
task achievement
You have addressed the task only partially, as your response is not fully expanded. Your ideas are somewhat clear but they are not developed comprehensively. It is essential to explore all parts of the prompt in depth, ensuring that you discuss both views and provide a reasoned opinion.
task achievement
Your ideas are presented but not in a comprehensive manner. The reader needs more explanation and discussion of your views. Aim to clarify and expound on your points to ensure that your stance is understood and well justified.
task achievement
The examples you have provided are relevant but lack specificity and detail. By including more specific examples and data, you can enhance the persuasiveness and relevancy of your argument. Remember that examples are meant to illustrate your points vividly and convincingly.
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