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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to do part-time jobs. What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of doing a part-time job

#countries #teenagers #jobs #job
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The part-time job is quite popular among the students around the world. In many nations,
teens
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 are stimulated to do part-time
work
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while
Linking Words
 studying.
While
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pay
Wrong verb form
paying
show examples
 the tuition fees and
get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
work
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experience
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 are the benefits of part-time
jobs
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, students might be distracted
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
studies
Correct pronoun usage
their studies
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 and buying
drugs
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 the
drawbacks
Fix the agreement mistake
drawback
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.
This
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 essay discusses it briefly for the following reasons. There are two main advantages to doing part-time
work
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while
Linking Words
 studying teenagers. One of the main merits is that part-time
jobs
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 provide earnings to
teens
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 so that they have a chance to pay their tuition fees
instead
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 of depending on
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 means teenagers become financially independent when they do part-time
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, it helps to reduce parent's economic burden. Another main advantage is that students may have a chance to get real-time
work
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experience
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 from part-time
jobs
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 because they obtain
practical
Correct quantifier usage
more practical
show examples
experience
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 than theoretical in order to
this
Linking Words
 will help in future. These are the merits of part-time
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
. Despite these benefits, it has some drawbacks. One of the major disadvantages is that
student's
Fix the agreement mistake
students'
show examples
 focus might be distracted from studies to money,
consequently
Linking Words
, their academic performance and attendance are low and they may
be
Verb problem
drop
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 dropout
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 education. Another disadvantage is that adolescents may
Add a missing verb
be addict
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addict
Replace the word
addicted
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 to
drugs
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 because they have
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
 money from part-time
work
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while
Linking Words
 they have a chance to buy
drugs
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 and
use
Correct pronoun usage
use them
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, American teenagers are
used
Wrong verb form
using
show examples
 more
drugs
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, especially those who are doing part-time
jobs
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 because they have money from
work
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. These are the drawbacks of
teens
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do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
 part-time
while
Linking Words
 studying.
To conclude
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,
while
Linking Words
teens
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 are working, studying is the common trend. Paying tuition fees by themselves and
get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real-time
work
Use synonyms
experience
Use synonyms
 are the advantages; adolescents might be distracted from
studies
Correct pronoun usage
their studies
show examples
 and buying
drugs
Use synonyms
 are the disadvantages of
do
Change the verb form
doing
show examples
 part-time
jobs
Use synonyms
during
Change preposition
while
show examples
 studying.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

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coherence cohesion
The essay has a structured layout but the progression of ideas is sometimes unclear and connections between ideas are not always logical or sufficiently explained. Work on strengthening the connection between main ideas and supporting points.
task achievement
While the essay attempts to cover the task requirements, the main ideas are not fully developed and specific examples are lacking. Both the advantages and disadvantages need to be expanded upon with clear, relevant examples and explanations that directly relate to the thesis.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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