IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In an era of globalisation, some people think that studying abroad is the best way to attain a well-paid job, while others believe that other options are better. Discuss both opinion views and give your opinion

#era #globalisation #people #job #options
Overseas learning is a good option for students to continue their journey and expand their experiences. In
this
 modern era, competition is very intense, particularly when looking for employment.
Therefore
, having an opportunity to study abroad will increase the chances of obtaining a high-salary occupation. On the one hand, many individuals who have obtained their degrees,
prefer
Add the particle
prefer to
show examples
 continue their studies at a higher level.
Furthermore
,
people
 who possess a background in either scientific or educational fields that require
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
advance skills
an advance skill
show examples
advance
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
 skills to get a faith
such
 as
educator
Fix the agreement mistake
educators
show examples
,
doctor
Fix the agreement mistake
doctors
show examples
, etc.
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 to gain more degrees and
advancing
Wrong verb form
advance
show examples
 their credibility, so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
studies abroad
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
an important, mostly for acquiring a good-quality education.
On the other hand
,
globalisation
Correct article usage
the globalisation
show examples
 era produced
people
for having
Verb problem
with
show examples
 a tendency to find
a jobs
Correct the article-noun agreement
a job
jobs
show examples
with utilize
Change preposition
by utilizing
show examples
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 expand their connection with others.
People
 can easily explore and
scanning
Wrong verb form
scan their
show examples
 an
upper-earnings
Correct your spelling
earnings
show examples
 with
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 internet.
Moreover
, gaining
a new knowledge
Remove the article
new knowledge
a piece of new knowledge
show examples
 is a convenient way.
For instance
, take an online class to fit the
requirement
Replace the word
required
show examples
 skills of the job that desire to apply.
People
 with
a domestic degrees
Correct the article-noun agreement
a domestic degree
domestic degrees
show examples
also
 can
straightforward
Change the word
straightforwardly
show examples
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
have their dream jobs, mainly with
bachelor
Add an article
a bachelor
show examples
 of engineering could appropriate various requirement proficiency with a needed-skills. Personally, in
this
 upgrowth era,
people
 have a major rivalry for
fight
Wrong verb form
fighting
show examples
 over a high-income occupation. Because of
this
, studying abroad will have
intensify
Wrong verb form
intensified
show examples
 percentage of getting
a jobs
Correct the article-noun agreement
a job
jobs
show examples
.
However
, other
people
 that decide to
domesticly
Correct your spelling
domestically
domestic
 would have
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 same occasion if they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
constantly
imporve
Correct your spelling
improve
 their skills and
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 use of
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 internet in a good way.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
The essay lacks a clear and cohesive structure which is essential for the reader to follow the argument easily. To improve coherence, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is well developed with supporting sentences that are logically connected. Transitions between sentences and paragraphs should be used to guide the reader through your points smoothly.
Task Achievement
While the essay tries to address the task, the response could be more complete by directly comparing studying abroad with other options that lead to well-paid jobs and by giving a clear personal opinion on the subject. To fully achieve the task, it's important to discuss both sides of the argument equally and then justify why one is preferred over the other.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: