IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like. Others believe that they should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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On account of
the
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apply
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modern technological advancement, there has been a significant demand for
subjects
Use synonyms
 in relation to
science
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 and technology in higher education. Under the circumstances, there has been contention over whether
students
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 opt for either their
favorite
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favourite
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 courses or some practical
subjects
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 which are often associated with
science
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.
Although
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 taking those
subjects
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 may bolster
students
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’ career prospects, I strongly argue that they should have the right to choose their preferred study, considering the current school curricula
as well as
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 their motivations.
To begin
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,
students
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 who have completed a degree in the realm of
science
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 and technology may have more promising careers.
According to
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 a survey conducted in Japan, more than 85 per cent of those who have studied these areas were able to obtain a job immediately after graduating from university.
This
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 result solidly implies that majoring in them
have
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has
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 a strong edge over any other
students
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 who have done other degrees.
Nevertheless
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,
students
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’ internal motivations should not be disregarded. For
instnace
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instance
, if
students
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 were not to have any interest in
science
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, not only would they feel immensely
dimotivated
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motivated
demotivated
 to study, but they could
also
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 drop out of the course. In
this
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 instance, it would defeat the purpose of enrolling in the course.
Furthermore
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, in light of the present educational system commonly adopted widely, the majority of
students
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 must undertake compulsory
subjects
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 at school.
Therefore
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,
students
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 have the capability to opt for
their
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a
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 course, which is aligned with their interests and strengths. In conclusion,
while
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science
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 and technology might bring enormous benefits to
students
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 regarding their career opportunities, I strongly
belive
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believe
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 that their motivations, preferences,
strengths
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and strengths
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 must be considered at
university
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the university
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 level.

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coherence cohesion
The introduction lacks a clear thesis statement, which makes it challenging to understand the writer's stance from the onset. Be sure to include a definitive thesis statement that outlines the main points that will be discussed.
task achievement
Ensure a balanced discussion of both views by expounding equally on the arguments for students studying science and technology as well as the argument for freedom in choosing their field of study. This balance was not quite achieved in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying sentence structures and transitions to improve the flow of the essay, making it easier for the reader to follow along and understand the progression of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion summarises the essay but does not adequately restate your opinion or the arguments presented. A stronger conclusion will reaffirm your stance and the reasons behind it.
task achievement
The use of specific examples is beneficial, but ensure they are fully developed and clearly connected to the argument being made. The example from Japan is a good start but needs to be better integrated into your overall argument for it to be effective.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • foster
  • engagement
  • excel
  • innovative contributions
  • diversity in research
  • well-rounded education
  • broad perspectives
  • critical thinking skills
  • mental well-being
  • burnout
  • forced academic paths
  • job-ready
  • skills shortages
  • tech-driven economy
  • employment rates
  • changing job market
  • utilitarian subjects
  • aptitudes
  • wasting talent
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