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Band 4.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
A number of people believe that music gathers people from
another cultures
Replace the adjective
another culture
other cultures
show examples
 and at diverse ages. From my point of view, it is completely true. I strongly believe that the music is universal. I would like to express my thoughts with relevant examples. First of all, no matter where you are from, even if you do not know the language, you are starting to shake your head
and
Correct word choice
apply
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when you hear a
song
 and love the rhythm. There are so many singers who are famous
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
worldwide. We love
gather
Add the particle
to gather
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in
Change preposition
at
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 their concerts in order to
listen
Add the preposition
listen to
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 their
song
. All the people in those concerts are from another country and
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 some of them cannot understand the meaning of the
song
, they enjoy
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
hearing it.
For example
, I was in Austria with my friends who are from Italy, France, Germany and Belgium. We started with
open
Replace the word
opening
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 our
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 songs and
end
Wrong verb form
ending
show examples
 with hugging and yelling
while
 singing. The music was our common thing.
Secondly
, I am inclined to believe that the main thing which
influence
Change the verb form
influences
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 someone is not
words
Correct article usage
the words
show examples
 of the
song
, is melody and age
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 not important for it. There are plenty of eminent classical musicians,
such
 as Mozart. Even in
this
 century, many years later after he died, everyone still
Wrong verb form
listened
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listens
Add the preposition
listens to
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 Mozart with pleasure and I am not only speaking for adults, but
also
 children. There are children, even at the age of 7, who
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
 Mozart's
song
 with piano. What I mean is it does not depend on the age. All in all, it seems to me that it only depends on your taste
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 art. There is no other criterion.
Submitted by fatmanurdonertas on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance your score, focus on structuring your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each section should seamlessly transition to the next. The introduction should present the main argument, and the conclusion should summarily restate and affirm your position.
task achievement
Your examples are good but make sure you explore these with more depth to satisfy Task Achievement. Each paragraph should offer clear explanations of your views and include relevant examples to back up your points. Aim for comprehensive development of ideas rather than simply listing them.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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