IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think that these activities are not beneficial for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #think #activities #child’s #health
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In
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 modern world,
children
Use synonyms
 are watching more
television
Use synonyms
 and playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
.so, people believe that these activities are bad for
children
Use synonyms
's mental health. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it
Use synonyms
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
 problems like
loneliness
Use synonyms
 and depression to the child. Nowadays,
children
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spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 more
time
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on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
television
Use synonyms
 and playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
. So, people are worried about
this
Linking Words
 because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it
Use synonyms
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
loneliness
Use synonyms
 over a period of
time
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. When a child
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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 more
time
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 on virtual activities rather than going outside and
socialize
Wrong verb form
socialising
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 themselves. It
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cause
Change the verb form
causes
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 some serious problems like
loneliness
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, studies
reveals
Change the verb form
reveal
show examples
 that
children
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 who
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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 a lot of hours
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
are having
Wrong verb form
have
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 less
time
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 to socialize themselves
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 leads to
loneliness
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, depression
on the other hand
Linking Words
,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
greatly
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
 the
children
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. People believe that
children
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 who are more engaged in activities like watching
television
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 and playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
have spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 most of their
time
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 alone and
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not
spent
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 with family and friends.which makes the child depressed and sometimes suicidal
Rephrase
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 who
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 alone watching
television
Use synonyms
 programmes are more likely to be depressed and have depressive thoughts. In conclusion, some think
children
Use synonyms
 who
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 more
time
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
television
Use synonyms
 and playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 can
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to mental health issues. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it
Use synonyms
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
 consequences like depression and
loneliness
Use synonyms
.
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task achievement
Ensure that your main points are clear and each paragraph centers around a single main idea. It is important to directly address the prompt throughout the essay. Consider the complexities of the topic, addressing potential counterarguments or other perspectives.
coherence cohesion
Focus on the clarity of your argumentative structure. Organize your essay with clear introductions, body paragraphs, and conclusions. Use a range of linking words and cohesive devices to clearly connect ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Support your main points with specific examples. Instead of general statements, give concrete examples or cite studies to make your argument more compelling and provide evidence for your perspectives. Avoid overgeneralization.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • exposure to violence
  • addiction
  • reduced physical activity
  • hand-eye coordination
  • strategic thinking
  • multitasking skills
  • moderation
  • parental guidance
  • balanced approach
  • screen time
  • social interaction
  • sense of community
  • social skills
  • social isolation
  • alternative activities
  • outdoor activities
  • family interaction
  • mental health issues
  • educational programs
  • problem-solving games
What to do next:
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