Nowadays, children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think that these activities are not beneficial for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
modern world,
children
are watching more
television
and playing
video
games
.so, people believe that these activities are bad for
children
's mental health. I agree with
this
statement because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
it
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
problems like
loneliness
and depression to the child. Nowadays,
children
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
more
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
television
and playing
video
games
. So, people are worried about
this
because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
it
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
loneliness
over a period of
time
. When a child
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
more
time
on virtual activities rather than going outside and
socialize
Wrong verb form
socialising
show examples
themselves. It
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
some serious problems like
loneliness
.
For instance
, studies
reveals
Change the verb form
reveal
show examples
that
children
who
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
a lot of hours
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Playing
video
games
are having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
less
time
to socialize themselves
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
leads to
loneliness
.
Furthermore
, depression
on the other hand
,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
greatly
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
the
children
. People believe that
children
who are more engaged in activities like watching
television
and playing
video
games
have spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
most of their
time
alone and
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
not
spent
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
time
with family and friends.which makes the child depressed and sometimes suicidal
Rephrase
apply
show examples
also
.
For example
,
children
who
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
time
alone watching
television
programmes are more likely to be depressed and have depressive thoughts. In conclusion, some think
children
who
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
more
time
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
television
and playing
video
games
can
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
to mental health issues. I agree with
this
because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
it
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
consequences like depression and
loneliness
.
Submitted by insighttribez on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that your main points are clear and each paragraph centers around a single main idea. It is important to directly address the prompt throughout the essay. Consider the complexities of the topic, addressing potential counterarguments or other perspectives.
coherence cohesion
Focus on the clarity of your argumentative structure. Organize your essay with clear introductions, body paragraphs, and conclusions. Use a range of linking words and cohesive devices to clearly connect ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Support your main points with specific examples. Instead of general statements, give concrete examples or cite studies to make your argument more compelling and provide evidence for your perspectives. Avoid overgeneralization.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • exposure to violence
  • addiction
  • reduced physical activity
  • hand-eye coordination
  • strategic thinking
  • multitasking skills
  • moderation
  • parental guidance
  • balanced approach
  • screen time
  • social interaction
  • sense of community
  • social skills
  • social isolation
  • alternative activities
  • outdoor activities
  • family interaction
  • mental health issues
  • educational programs
  • problem-solving games
What to do next:
Look at other essays: