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Band 5

In some countries, secondary school aims to provide a general education across a range of subjects. In others, children focus on a narrow range of subjects related to a particular career. Which do you think is appropriate in today’s world?

#countries #school #education #range #subjects #children #focus #career #today’s #world
In the modern era, several countries use
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 to provide
across
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a range of modules as basic universal
education
 for their
children
. On the flip side, there were countries focusing only on teaching them the subjects for the only
path
 needed. In my opinion, giving our
children
 universal modules is still relevant to use, I will elaborate
the
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on the
show examples
 reasons below.
Education
 should not be limited only to specific areas, especially for kids below 14. Universal
education
 will help them know more about anything and help them socially in the society. They will know
general
Rephrase
how general
show examples
 things are working and
how
Correct word choice
what
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 they are supposed to do. Math and Geography are
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 example, the uses of math will likely help them to do basic transactions in trading goods. In geography, we reduce our possibility of being misguided.
Furthermore
, with universal
education
, the
children
 can search for what they are like or not. From
this
education
also
, they will potentially choose the
path
 that they wanna be. If the
children
 like math, they could be engineers, analysts, teachers, etc. If they do not, there are a lot of options,
such
 as becoming artists, athletes, musicians, etc. Universal
education
 can open wide their potential
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
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 and
choose
Replace the word
choices
show examples
.
On the other hand
, mastering
in
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apply
show examples
their job or occasion still needs specialist
education
. It would be nice to give after they already
choose
Wrong verb form
chosen
show examples
 their
path
 of career. In conclusion, I believe universal
education
 will help
children
 to learn widely and to choose their
path
 wisely. By
this
 consideration, universal
education
 is still a good point these days.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea, which is then developed with explanations or examples. Some of your points lack detailed examples to fully support the arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on paragraphing so that each idea is distinct and follows logically from the previous one. Make use of cohesive devices to better link your ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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