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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts show the main reasons for study among students of different age groups and the amount of support they received from employers. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.

The charts show the main reasons for study among students of different age groups and the amount of support they received from employers. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.
#show #study #students #age #groups #amount #support #employers #summarise #information #features #comparison
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The charts illustrate the major conditions for study
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
show examples
 for candidates of various ages,
moreover
Linking Words
;
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
also
Linking Words
depicts
Correct subject-verb agreement
depict
show examples
 the support
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
was given by the workers. The graph explains the proportion from minor to significant amount of individuals who are more likely to choose their course
according to
Linking Words
 their interests or their career.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the diagram shows how much workers help them. As shown in
Correct article usage
the bargraph
show examples
bargraph
Correct your spelling
bar graph
, there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 significant figures
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 youngsters under 26 who select their studies for their career. Afterwards, the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of individuals
decline
Correct subject-verb agreement
declines
show examples
while
Linking Words
 they get older and older,
then
Linking Words
 the drop is about 10-20% respectively.
In addition
Linking Words
,
over
Correct pronoun usage
those over
show examples
 49 years old
ones
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
reached
at
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
18% of
proportion
Correct article usage
the proportion
show examples
 for their ambition choice.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
one
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
 who select their field by relying on their keen passion fall at 10% under 26 years. Later,
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the increase of
aging
Change the form of the verb
age
show examples
 groups from 26 to over 49, the bar
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
gradually
grow
Correct subject-verb agreement
grows
show examples
 till it
reach
Change the verb form
reaches
show examples
at
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
its peak (70%). In the second figure, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
younger workers help the learners to pay their dues. Half of the proportion of employers
about
Change preposition
in
show examples
26
Correct article usage
the 26
show examples
-29 age group support them.
Then
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 amount
fluctuate
Change the verb form
fluctuates
show examples
 by increase in age and
finally
Linking Words
get
Correct subject-verb agreement
gets
show examples
 to the 40% chunks at the age of over 49 years.
Submitted by livelygirl127 on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "significant" was used 2 times.
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