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Writing Samples
Band 4

many high level of positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than fifty percent female. compnies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#level #positions #companies #men #workforce #countries #fifty #percent #compnies #percentage #women
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In the recent business world, the majority of the C level
positions
 are occupied by males despite the high number of
famale
Correct your spelling
female
 workers.
Therefore
, some people contend
the
Change preposition
with the
show examples
 notion that the allocation of these
positions
 should be in alignment with a predefined percentage between two genders.
Although
 in many rich counties, the value of
famale
Correct your spelling
family
 employees is impeccable,
however
Add the comma(s)
however,
show examples
 it is my contention that appointing people
according to
 their gender should not be rationalized among companies as it will create
further
 complications. First and foremost, imagining a world without
famales
Correct your spelling
families
 is impossible and yet, some of them hold
highlevel
Correct your spelling
high level
high-level
positions
 in both the
governmental
Replace the word
government
show examples
 and businesses, making radical decisions that
mighy
Correct your spelling
might
 change the world's tale.
Nonetheless
, statistically, the amount of males who have chief
positions
 is drastically higher in comparison with females. I think, unlike gender equality, individuals should solely be appointed based on their performance, professionalism and their contributions to an organization. To illustrate
this
 point,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
exerting a law on companies to equally divide their senior
positions
according to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
genders
Fix the agreement mistake
gender
show examples
 can deteriorate their
successes
Fix the agreement mistake
success
show examples
.
Consequently
, less talented women will get the leading
positions
whereas
other man
Change the wording
another man
other men
show examples
 will have to
resignate
Correct your spelling
designate
 defeat against
this
 cult.
Moreover
, another salient reason why
gender-based
Correct article usage
the gender-based
show examples
 occupation method might be a concern is that women are infamous for performing
erraticly
Correct your spelling
erratically
 under
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stress or when they get challenged especially at the leader level
positions
. Undoubtedly, making a misguided decision can lead to catastrophic consequences from a business perspective.
For example
, promoting individuals solely based on gender may ultimately result in an incompetent person assuming a leadership role within a company. Following the failed leadership at the head, significant fissures will begin to emerge in the foundation of the business,
thus
, resulting in irretrievable revenue and capital losses. In conclusion,
while
 some companies try to push the gender-equality agenda by appointing more females to executive levels, I believe,
this
 will only diminish company earnings.
Submitted by orkhanshamil on

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Introduction/Conclusion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion are clear, concise, and related to the topic. In this case, the introduction lacks clarity in expressing your overall position, and the conclusion should not introduce new points, rather it should summarize your essay's arguments with finality.
Main Points/Flow
Focus on paragraphing effectively; each paragraph should have one clear main idea supported by examples or explanations. Use linking words to connect sentences and paragraphs, making sure they flow logically. Present key points in a manner that emphasizes their significance with regards to the prompt.
Task Response
Fully address all parts of the task, presenting a clear position throughout the response. Ensure that your argument is balanced and consider counter-arguments to strengthen your position. Specific examples are necessary to support your points; your current examples are not entirely relevant or convincingly argued.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Gender parity
  • Inclusive workforce
  • Corporate governance
  • Glass ceiling
  • Equal opportunity
  • Progressive policies
  • Workforce diversity
  • Merit-based promotion
  • Affirmative action
  • Empowerment
What to do next:
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