IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many places women are taking jobs which are traditionally done by men. What do you think make these changes happen? What’s your opinion about it?

#places #women #jobs #men #changes #what’s
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In
this
Linking Words
 contemporary era, women are aspiring to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
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 all their dreams and proving mettle in all working areas. In my opinion, the rise in the demand
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 male-dominated job positions by
females
Use synonyms
 are blessing for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. I am going to discuss the essay in the forthcoming paragraphs. The first and foremost reason, women are career oriented
because
Add a missing verb
is because
show examples
 of the
education
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educational
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opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
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 they are getting today. In past,
females
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 were not aware
about
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 the profession in which they were perfect,
females
Use synonyms
 were considered to remain inside the four walls.
However
Linking Words
, at present education is giving
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
 to explore different working
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
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. They were surrounded by male chauvinism which never let them
to
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apply
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rise and
work
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 equally with men.
However
Linking Words
, these days ladies are now getting permission from their families to go out to proceed
the
Change preposition
with the
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 and
supporting
Wrong verb form
support
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 the family finances. To prove
this
Linking Words
 fact,
females
Use synonyms
 are growing in various fields of jobs
such
Linking Words
 as bus driver, carpentry, bakery , painting and many more that were mainly ruled by men.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the rise in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 empowerment is because of the egalitarian society. Different social
campaign
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campaigns
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done
Add a missing verb
are done
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 by government authorities or
public
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the public
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 to raise
the
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apply
show examples
awareness among the people to equalize each sex and demolish
the
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apply
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gender inequality.
Additionally
Linking Words
, government policies
promoting
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promote
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 gender equality and
welcoming
Wrong verb form
welcome
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
females
Use synonyms
 in different workplaces without any discrimination. To illustrate
this
Linking Words
, now in
armed
Correct article usage
the armed
show examples
Use synonyms
work forces
Correct your spelling
workforces
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,
females
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are participated
Change to the active voice
participate
have participated
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 in the armed forces to serve the country.
To conclude
Linking Words
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
, these changes are incredibly positive, and, in my perspective,
this
Linking Words
 has happened because society is now blooming with gender equality, whether it is in the field of education or
work
Use synonyms
 opportunities given to each
individuals
Change to a singular noun
individual
show examples
 without any differentiation.
Submitted by manpreetcanada90 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea that is developed and not just mentioned. Transition between ideas can be smoother and more explicit.
task achievement
While the overall response to the question is adequate, you should present more specific examples and detailed explanations to illustrate the points made regarding the changes enabling women to engage in traditional male jobs.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • societal norms
  • gender roles
  • feminist movement
  • gender equality
  • legislative changes
  • technological advancements
  • knowledge-based economy
  • globalization
  • dual-income
  • workforce
  • professional training
  • diversity
  • innovation
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