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Band 4.5

Nowadays, women have full-time work same as men, logically men should share household equally with women. To what extent do . you agree or disagree?

#women #work #men #household
At present, there are many
women
have
Correct pronoun usage
who have
show examples
 full-time employment that
as
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 as
men
, logically
men
 should engage in doing chores
together with
 their
wife
Fix the agreement mistake
wives
show examples
 fairly. I agree
men
 should
share
housework
 with
women
 but not
share
 equally. It is true that
men
share
Wrong verb form
sharing
show examples
housework
 with
women
 will promote mutual affection between couples, because
men
 and
women
embark
Wrong verb form
embarking
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 doing
housework
 will promote their communication and teamwork, which means they will gain mutual company and trust.
For example
, as for those couples who have full-time
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
, the time of doing
housework
 is a rare opportunity that they can talk face to face.
Therefore
,
men
share
Wrong verb form
sharing
show examples
 chores with
women
 would encourage intimate family
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
.
However
, it is illogical that divide the
housework
 equally between
men
 and
women
, because
men
 and
women
 have different qualities and talents, which means
men
 and
women
 will take on different types
jobs
Change preposition
of jobs
show examples
.
For example
, the majority of
men
 embark
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 manual
labors
Fix the agreement mistake
labor
show examples
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
women
 undertake clerical
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
. In
this
 case,
Although
men
 and
women
 both have full-time work, their level of fatigue is different and
men
’s work is harder than
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
. As for those manual
labors
Replace the word
labourers
show examples
, it is unreasonable
that
Change preposition
to
show examples
 undertake
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
half of
those
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
housework
 when they feel exhausted in both body and mind after a
tiring
Replace the word
tire
show examples
. So dividing
housework
 equally between
women
 and
men
 is
illogically
Replace the adverb
illogical
show examples
. In conclusion, I agree
men
 should help their
wife
Fix the agreement mistake
wives
show examples
 to do a part of
housework
 because
this
 is beneficial to their intimate
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
. But it is illogical that
men
 should
share
household
Add an article
a household
the household
show examples
 with
women
eaually
Correct your spelling
equally
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because
Men
 and
women
 differ in the nature and degree of
hardship
Add an article
the hardship
show examples
 of their work.
Submitted by 2434286796 on

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Task Achievement
Your essay needs more development in terms of task response. The prompt asks you to discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with men sharing household chores equally with women, but your argument is not fully explored. It is important to present a balanced view that addresses both sides of the argument comprehensively. Be sure to illustrate your points with specific examples and elaboration for a complete response.
Coherence and Cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, you should work on structuring your essay more logically. The paragraphs are arranged in an understandable manner, but transitions between ideas can be smoother, and the overall progression of ideas could be more coherent. Try to use a wider range of linking phrases and topic sentences that clearly relate to the central topic of the paragraph, ensuring each paragraph flows naturally from one to the next.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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