IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Blood sports (any spots involving Killing or shedding of blood as bull fighting, cockfighting or hunting)have become hot topic for debate in recent years.as society develops it is increasingly seen as an uncivilized activity and cruel to the helpless animals that are killed.blood sports should be banned.TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE

#blood #sports #spots #bull #topic #debate #years #society #activity #animals
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Nowadays, some people think that all creatures like
animals
 can be deployed to entertain
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society even by designing some sports programs that may injure the
animals
.
Although
such
 a program may have a special audience, I strongly believe that
this
 should be ceased immediately. In
this
 essay, the reasons which I rely on are presented.
Also
, some concluding remarks are given afterwards. In developed countries, what an overwhelming majority of society follows is paving the way for a peaceful life of humans,
animals
 and an environment like plants, simultaneously.
This
 sort of situation in which the lives of innocent
animals
 are targeted, poses a serious risk to
such
 a peaceful coexistence. It not only may run a risk of losing endangered species
,
Remove the comma
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show examples
 but
also
 broadcast some scenes which are detrimental to children's
further
 behaviours. If
this
 kind of harshness and rudeness fosters and spreads, some uncontrollable misbehaviours will be experienced , unfortunately. Concurrent with stopping these sorts of programs, people
in particular
 youngsters should be trained to respect other living breeds like
animals
 and plants.
This
 learning process and related studies which could be beneficial to the mentioned attitude have to be conducted by authorities and results should be tracked continuously.
To conclude
, nobody is allowed to harm either
animals
 or plants in developed countries. In
this
 regard, both the eradication of enjoying programs which injure
animals
 and the
buildingof
Correct your spelling
building of
 a culture of coexistence for people of all age ranges have to be taken into account by governors.
Submitted by hamidreza.rezaei21 on

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Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear position throughout the response, but only partially covers the prompt as it does not fully address the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the banning of blood sports. It is crucial to directly answer the question and explore both sides of the argument, even if the conclusion leans towards one side.
Coherence & Cohesion
The essay demonstrates a fair use of cohesive devices, yet there is room for improvement in how ideas are logically connected and paragraphed. Paragraphs should be used strategically to separate main ideas, and transitions should guide the reader smoothly from one idea to the next. Supporting examples could be more specific, illustrating arguments with concrete details to enhance persuasion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Blood sports
  • Uncivilized activity
  • Cruelty to animals
  • Ethical implications
  • Cultural tradition
  • Conservation efforts
  • Biodiversity
  • Psychological effects
  • Desensitization
  • Alternative sports
  • Empathy
  • Compassion
  • Banning
  • Animal rights
  • Recreational activities
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