Out of a country’s health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and prevention measures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Health
is a basic right that every human should have. Thus
, every government always have some of their budget to provide an
adequate medical Remove the article
apply
treatment
. Be that as it may, however
, there is an opinion that a country must also
have a big proportion of its fund
for Fix the agreement mistake
funds
health
education and prevention measures rather than only for medical treatment
. I strongly agree that such
strategy
will be the best step to improve Correct article usage
a strategy
health
quality since it can minimizes
the higher cost needed for Wrong verb form
minimise
treatment
in the next
Correct word choice
apply
future
as well as
be a generational cure for a disease. This
essay will shed some light on this
issue and the writer's point of view.
Firstly
, there is a saying "it is better to be safe than sorry". Medical treatment
is only curing the illness that already happen
. The paltry knowledge of individuals about the disease will make them do their everyday Change the verb form
happens
habit
that might lead to the sickness. As a Fix the agreement mistake
habits
concequence
of Correct your spelling
consequence
this
, patiences
will keep increasing which cause Correct your spelling
patients
in
the climb up of the Change preposition
apply
treatment
action needed. Thus
, the money needed for curement
will never plummetCorrect your spelling
cement
down
. Change preposition
apply
In contrast
, by educate
people about the things that cause the Change the verb form
educating
problem
, many can live a better way of living so that they can have a
better Correct article usage
apply
health
condition
. Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
This
practice has been clearly shown by the way of this
global communities when solving the COVID-19 outbreak. Correct determiner usage
these
Instead
of only curing the patiences
, they put a tremendous effort Correct your spelling
patients
to invent
a vaccine so that people will not get sick Change preposition
into inventing
eventhough
they get attacked by the Correct your spelling
even though
corona virus
. Correct your spelling
coronavirus
Thus
, no more people have COVID and no more money needed
to cure them.
Add a missing verb
is needed
Secondly
, to my way of thinking, solving a problem
must be from its root, so that it will not happens
again in the Change the verb form
happen
future
. By giving
Change preposition
Giving
an
educational Remove the article
apply
health
to society, it
will, by itself, Correct pronoun usage
apply
cancel
the disease Verb problem
prevent
to be happened
again in the Wrong verb form
from happening
future
. For instance
, stunting has always been a major problem
in some developing countries. If the policy only focus
on overcoming the stunting Correct subject-verb agreement
focuses
babies
Change preposition
of babies
exist
, the number of Verb problem
apply
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
case
will definitely Fix the agreement mistake
cases
constant
or even worse in the Add a missing verb
be constant
future
. Parents keep giving birth to stunting babies. But, by improving the mother's knowledge about stunting, they can help themselves to have a healthy baby and teach their future
kids about how to be a healthy pregnant mom. Therefore
, no more stunting case
will be found in the next generation.
To recapitulate, I strongly support the idea of allocating more funds Fix the agreement mistake
cases
on
Change preposition
to
health
education and prevention measures. Not only because it will more efficiently safe
the budget, but Replace the word
save
also
can prevent the next generations from having the same problem
as now.Submitted by maukaburtubel on
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task achievement
Your essay shows an understanding of the question, but the development of your ideas could be more detailed. Ensure that your argument extends beyond repeating the same idea in different words. Provide further explanation, depth, and development to your main points to enhance task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The logical sequence of your essay is generally clear but occasionally disrupted. Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices and topic-specific vocabulary to improve the flow of the essay. Use paragraphing to organize ideas more effectively, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central theme which is expanded with evidence or examples.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
