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Writing Samples
Band 6

The bar chart below gives information about thenumber of studnets studying Computer Science at a UK university between 2010 and 2012

The bar chart below gives information about thenumber of studnets studying Computer Science at a UK university between 2010 and 2012
#bar #information #thenumber #studnets #computer #science #uk #university
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the bar chart illustrates the data about
proportion
Add an article
the proportion
show examples
 of school
students
Use synonyms
 and comparing
betewwn
Correct your spelling
between
Home
Use synonyms
 and International those who
are attending
Wrong verb form
attended
show examples
 Computer Science at UK
unversity
Correct your spelling
university
 between
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 year
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2010 and 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
, men
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
home
Use synonyms
 British
students
Use synonyms
was fluctuated
Change to the active voice
fluctuated
has fluctuated
show examples
while
Linking Words
 overseas
students
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
slightly increased.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, women
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
participating
Verb problem
are
show examples
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
 proportion
than
Change preposition
of
show examples
 International
students
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in 2010
Home
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
 were 39
percentage
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
 from their
Use synonyms
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
, whilst 20% for international
students
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, in 2011 they both are the same level at 23%
while
Linking Words
home
Use synonyms
 school learner was
droped
Correct your spelling
dropped
. Overseas
students
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased in 2012 at 34% and
home
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 top at 43% from the
oveall
Correct your spelling
overall
 of men school trainers.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, women
form
Correct your spelling
from
show examples
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 more
attractive
Replace the word
attracted
show examples
 to participating in
this
Linking Words
 major,
start
Wrong verb form
starting
show examples
 at 32% in 2010, which huge amount
different
Replace the word
difference
show examples
 between overseas and
home
Use synonyms
 kids. whilst, overseas
students
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
slghtly
Correct your spelling
slightly
 increased
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
enrolling
Linking Words
Change preposition
on this
show examples
this majors
Change the determiner
this major
these majors
show examples
 in 2011 and 2012. In
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 two years,
Home
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
 were
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 same position
at
Change preposition
as
show examples
 45 % of
students
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by Chaiyapat Soka on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "on the other hand, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, home with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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