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Band 5.5

Most countries want to improve the standard of living through economic development, however, others think social value is lost as a result. Do you think the advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #development #value
It is true that most countries concentrate on promoting the
development
 of
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
 to improve
well-being
Add an article
the well-being
show examples
 of citizens.
While
 I admit that there might be some negative consequences to
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
show examples
social
Add an article
the social
show examples
value
 of
this
 trend, I highly agree the benefits of prompting economic
development
outweighs
Correct subject-verb agreement
outweigh
show examples
 its drawbacks. I am in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of that economic
development
is
Correct your spelling
as
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 the prerequisite to
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
show examples
society
Change noun form
society's
show examples
value
Fix the agreement mistake
values
show examples
, which is related to our mindset.
First,
according to
 the demand theory of Maslo, only when the basic material needs are met, they
would
Verb problem
apply
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consider the demand
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 mental
value
.
For example
, if
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
basic
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 and water can not be ensured in rural
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
, local people in poverty might
conduct
Verb problem
commit
show examples
 crimes for
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 to survive. The sense of insecurity makes it hard for them to think about the meaning of social
value
.
Second,
technology has been rapidly upgraded
along with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
economic
development
, contributing to lower expenditure for people to buy a cell phone or Television, meaning that it is easy for
government
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the government
show examples
 to spread correct social
value
 nowadays. Compared to those in
previous
Add an article
the previous
show examples
 period, young children can be educated
correct
Change preposition
on correct
show examples
 social
value
Fix the agreement mistake
values
show examples
 via attractive format when they are scrolling down TikTok videos in the friction of time.
Therefore
, to maintain and
propaganda
Correct your spelling
propagate
show examples
 social
value
, economic
development
 is indispensable.
However
, I understand that critics argue that social
value
 would be lost with rapid economic
development
. Some profit-oriented companies frequently sell unhealthy
foods
 and even counterfeit
foods
 to
Correct article usage
the publics
show examples
publics
Fix the agreement mistake
public
show examples
.
For instance
, some fast-food restaurants in China have been complained
by
Change preposition
about by
show examples
 consumers about selling pre-progressing eggs, a type of artificial product to public health.
Moreover
,
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
sectors
Fix the agreement mistake
sector
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 might not make investments to build or renovate art-related constructions, which would inevitably bring minimum financial benefits to society.
However
, artworks in our cities,
such
 as
statue
Fix the agreement mistake
statues
show examples
 and some historical buildings, manifest the cultural heritage of our country. Demolishing the buildings to build
skyscraper
Fix the agreement mistake
skyscrapers
show examples
 to promote economic
development
 will do harm to extending our national civilization. In conclusion,
while
 I understand
only
Correct word choice
that only
show examples
 pursuing economic
development
 to improve
standard
Add an article
the standard
show examples
 of living has brought some potential problems, I consider economic
development
is
Wrong verb form
to be
show examples
 the prerequisite to
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
show examples
 social
value
.
Submitted by erminelyu on

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Coherence & Cohesion
You've organized your essay into paragraphs with appropriate transitions which aids the logical flow of the essay. However, to improve the logical structure, make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea that is developed, rather than introducing several ideas. Keep your writing more focused on one or two main points per paragraph.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present, which is good. Nonetheless, the introduction could be enhanced by providing a clearer thesis statement, and the conclusion would benefit from succinctly summarizing your main points rather than adding new ideas or restating the prompt.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your main points are supported with explanations, and occasionally with examples, which is commendable. However, providing more specific, varied examples could strengthen your arguments and support your main points even further.
Task Achievement
Your response to the task is complete; you addressed all parts of the prompt in a balanced way. Remember to maintain this balanced approach throughout your essay to fully satisfy the task achievement criteria.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents clear and comprehensive ideas on the topic of economic development versus social values, which is excellent. To further improve, make sure that these ideas are consistently relevant to the question throughout the essay, avoiding tangential or loosely related content.
Task Achievement
You have included relevant examples to back up your points which is good, but you could include a wider range of examples, demonstrating the effects of economic development on social values both positively and negatively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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