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Writing Samples
Band 5

Big salary is much more important than job satisfaction. Do you agree or disagree?

#salary #job #satisfaction
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People
Use synonyms
 often think that having a
job
Use synonyms
 with a high wage is more crucial than getting
job
Use synonyms
 satisfaction. In my opinion, I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion for several reasons, which will be deliberated in the forthcoming paragraph.
To begin
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 with, I believe that
people
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 with high salaries need to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their
necessity
Fix the agreement mistake
necessities
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 with the best quality and can
also
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 do their hobby as much as they want.
While
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 being realistic, we know that primary things cost a lot of money nowadays
due to
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 inflation and will continue for years.
For example
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, diapers and baby milk are so expensive but the parents have to buy
the
Correct article usage
apply
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suitable,
in
Correct pronoun usage
ones in
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 order to make
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 best growth for the baby.
In addition
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, with a large amount of money,
people
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 can do many fun things or their hobby to relieve
their
Change the word
the
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 stress that they get from heavy work. As a case in point, every time
people
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 get off from work, they can get their favorite dish or cakes as a
self-reward
Correct your spelling
reward
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 for them.
Lastly
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, doing a
high salary
Add a hyphen
high-salary
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job
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 can keep you motivated and
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
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 to career growth.
People
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 with high wages tend to be motivated to work even harder and wholeheartedly.
Subsequently
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, it leads to a better result and productivity.
For instance
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, in Indonesia, a lot of young
people
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 majoring in education look for a
job
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 that isn't linear with their major
due to
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 the fact that the other fields offer a higher salary, and it makes them motivated to be an expert in that field, so they can get a better career.
To conclude
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, I strongly believe that a high salary is more vital than
job
Use synonyms
 satisfaction because they need to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 their necessity and hobby as well and keep them motivated.
Submitted by writingielts0 on

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task achievement
The essay introduction could be strengthened by directly responding to the prompt without adding excess baggage. Your introduction should clearly state your opinion in response to the given topic for maximum clarity. Avoid including arguments or examples in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing effectively to structure your argument. While there is a discernible structure, you could improve your essay by clearly marking topic sentences and subsequent supporting sentences within your paragraphs.
task achievement
Provide a fuller development of your ideas. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea and be clearly elaborated with examples and supporting details. Ensure that your examples directly support the point you are trying to make for each paragraph.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • remuneration
  • financial security
  • motivation
  • luxuries
  • material possessions
  • fulfillment
  • work-life balance
  • stress levels
  • mental well-being
  • job security
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