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Band 3

The proportion of older people is increasing, what problems will this cause and what solutions can be suggested?

#proportion #people
The total number of elderly
people
 is rising ,
this
 essay will discuss
two
 main causes and
two
 solutions.
Main
Correct article usage
The main
show examples
 reasons for
increased
Add an article
an increased
the increased
show examples
 number of older
people
 are better
life
expectancy
 and improved health facilities.
Life
expectancy
 improved from the years before because of
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
 eating habits
i.e
Correct your spelling
i.e.
 consuming
balanced
Add an article
a balanced
show examples
 diet.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
 it is because of general improvement in the quality of
life
 i.e standards of living are much better now. So if
people
 live well they live longer.
Additionally
 better facilities like hospitals and clinics,
these
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have modern equipment for procedures.
It is clear that
 an advanced chemotherapy machine will likely heal a person and increase the older population, same as
life
expectancy
 the better it is,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
means more older
people
.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 solutions to
this
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
availability
Correct article usage
the availability
show examples
 of more affordable
care
homes
 and more recruitment
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 Carers. Affordable
care
homes
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
means
Correct subject-verb agreement
mean
show examples
 that the aged community will
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
have a place to stay and
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 taken
care
 of.
Whereas
 more Carers means that the staff in the
care
homes
 will not be overworked
thus
deliver
Wrong verb form
delivering
show examples
 better quality service to their residents.
To conclude
 the aged population has increased and
this
 essay discussed
two
 main causes
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
better health
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
 and improved
life
expectancy
. Ok addition it suggested
two
 solutions which are more
care
homes
 and more staff to work in those facilities.
Submitted by mj on

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Task Achievement
For a better score in 'Task Achievement', ensure that you answer all parts of the prompt comprehensively. This includes not only identifying problems and solutions but also expanding on them with specific examples and explanations to give the reader a clear understanding of your points. Additionally, include a variety of complex sentence structures to show language proficiency.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve 'Coherence and Cohesion', work on organizing the essay into clear paragraphs with topic sentences that introduce the main idea of each paragraph. Make sure to use appropriate linking words to guide the reader through your argument and improve the flow of your essay. Avoid repetitiveness and try to paraphrase effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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