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Writing Samples
Band 5

ome people think that the main factors influencing a child’s development these days are things such as television, friends, and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion

#ome #people #factors #child’s #development #television #friends #music
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There has been a debate on
influences
Correct article usage
the influences
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 of
child
Use synonyms
development
Use synonyms
, some people are of the idea that it
mostly
Add a missing verb
is mostly
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 influenced by television, music and friends. Others still believe that family is the most influential.
This
Linking Words
 essay will look at both these opinions and give a final verdict
at the end
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. Family is considered to have the greatest impact
in
Change preposition
on
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 a
child
Use synonyms
's
development
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
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 because there are the first guardians from birth
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
 pre-school age all the social and developmental behaviours are taught and learnt in
this
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 period.
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Additionally
Add a comma
Additionally,
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 parents,
guardians
Correct word choice
and guardians
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 of siblings spend the majority of time with a toddler as
their
Change the pronoun
they
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 grow older.
According to
Linking Words
 data from
a
Remove the article
apply
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scientific research at Yale
university
Capitalize word
University
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, a
child
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's core behaviours and attitudes are learnt between the age of 0-4 years.
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Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
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 activities like eating, reading or going to the toilet are taught at home at a very young age, and these are major in
regards
Fix the agreement mistake
regard
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of
Change preposition
to
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development
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
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 television, music and friends influence a
child
Use synonyms
 at a later stage in life. Teenagers are influenced by their peers and entertainment
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because
there
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 are now in complete control of what they
consumer
Replace the word
consume
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whereas
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 as children the decision is made by family.
Overally
Correct your spelling
Overall
 young children are influenced for a short period of time,
for
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instance
Add a comma
instance,
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 they can
peer-pressured
Add a missing verb
be peer-pressured
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 into smoking weed at
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 musical event but
then
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 totally leave the behaviour behind if they reach home.
To conclude
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 a
child
Use synonyms
's
development
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 is impacted by more than one thing including family, media and peers.
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However
Add a comma
However,
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 in my opinion family is the major influencer of positive
development
Use synonyms
 in a
child
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by mj on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Make sure to consistently maintain a logical structure throughout the essay by using clear topic sentences in each paragraph and presenting your ideas in an orderly manner.
Coherence & Cohesion
Include a clear introduction and conclusion which effectively outlines your main arguments and summarizes your viewpoint on the issue.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support your main points with detailed examples or evidence whenever possible to strengthen your arguments and increase the persuasive power of your essay.
Task Achievement
Ensure that your essay fully responds to all parts of the prompt, including discussing both views and giving your own opinion in a balanced and thorough manner.
Task Achievement
Strive for clear and comprehensive coverage of ideas, and avoid overgeneralization or omission of important details.
Task Achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to support your points and clearly demonstrate how they connect to your arguments concerning the child's development.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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