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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that government should fund the performing class (drama, music, etc.), but on the other hand the other people say it should be self-funded by the organization or student’s parents. Discuss both view, and give your own opinion

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The ongoing discourse regarding financial support for the performing arts has sparked a divide between those advocating for
government
Use synonyms
 funding and those promoting self-sustainability. Supporters of
government
Use synonyms
 funding argue that it ensures accessibility and equal opportunities, fostering cultural enrichment.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, proponents of self-funding emphasize financial responsibility and creative
independence
Use synonyms
, despite concerns about limited
access
Use synonyms
 for low-income individuals. Striking a balance between
government
Use synonyms
 backing and self-sustainability emerges as a key consideration for fostering a vibrant and inclusive performing arts scene. On the one hand,
government
Use synonyms
 funds will provide equal
access
Use synonyms
 to every individual and protect the cultural heritage
such
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 as traditional music or dance related to performance.
Firstly
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, some
under-age
Correct your spelling
underage
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 do not have a satisfactory financial background to support their passion for performing courses.
Therefore
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, the financial aid given to
such
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 circumstances can be very helpful in providing the student's needs.
Moreover
Linking Words
, generally, the type of dance or music
classes
Use synonyms
 is divided into traditional and modern.
This
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 type of traditional performance enables cultural fostering if the
government
Use synonyms
pay
Correct subject-verb agreement
pays
show examples
 and provides free
access
Use synonyms
 to the courses.
However
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, self-funding
also
Linking Words
 has benefits for
students
Use synonyms
 like financial responsibility and creativity
independence
Use synonyms
. Teenage
students
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 with sufficient age to take the part-time can learn to manage their earnings to fund themselves to take the
classes
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. Even though
this
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 is a good idea to perform responsibilities, unfortunately not every individual is able to work
due to
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 age restrictions.
Moreover
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, the idea of paying for the performance class with personal money is more likely to provide creativity
independence
Use synonyms
. There are no restrictions given
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 to explore their innovation in
such
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classes
Use synonyms
 given by the
government
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.
To conclude
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, free
access
Use synonyms
 by the
government
Use synonyms
 to entertainment
classes
Use synonyms
 provides equal
access
Use synonyms
 and protection of cultural
entichment
Correct your spelling
enrichment
,
while
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 independent funding supports innovation
independence
Use synonyms
 and financial responsibility
although
Linking Words
 only old enough
students
Use synonyms
 can perform it. In my state of mind, the combination of
government
Use synonyms
 funds for individuals with limited
access
Use synonyms
 and defaulting self-funding for others is the best answer for
this
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 case.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure there is a clear and logical flow to your arguments. Use cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs. Consider using more varied connectors and discourse markers.
Task Achievement
Fully develop your main points with clear and specific examples. Each viewpoint should have a balanced and in-depth discussion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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