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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

ACADEMIC The line chart shows the birth rate in the USA and China from 1920 to 2000.

ACADEMIC The line chart shows the birth rate in the USA and China from 1920 to 2000.
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The figure illustrated the different
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
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 of US and China
birth
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
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 in almost a century.
Overall
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
birth
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 was higher than the
birth
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 of China, these 2 different countries share
the
Correct article usage
a
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 similar fluctuation trend. From the figure,
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
birth
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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fluctuated
in
Change preposition
apply
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around 13 % from 1920 to 1940 followed by hitting
the
Correct article usage
a
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 low point
at
Change preposition
of
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5
Correct article usage
a 5
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%
birth
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 in 1945,
then
Linking Words
 it rose sharply to reach
it
Change the pronoun
its
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 peak at 20 % in 1950. After 1950, the
birth
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
US
Correct article usage
the US
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decreasing
Wrong verb form
decreased
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 slowly until it reached 7% in 2000.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
China
Change noun form
China's
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birth
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
show
Wrong verb form
showed
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 some fluctuation
around
Change preposition
of around
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 11% from 1920 to 1930 and
then
Linking Words
rise
Wrong verb form
rose
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 to 15% in 1935. After
experience
Wrong verb form
experiencing
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 fluctuation, it
droped
Correct your spelling
dropped
 dramatically to 5% in 1940 until 1945,
then
Linking Words
 rocketed to reach
it
Change the pronoun
its
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 peak at 20% in 1950.
Finally
Linking Words
, the trend declined gradually until 2000 at about 2% of
Use synonyms
birth
Correct article usage
the birth
show examples
rate
Use synonyms
.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words birth, rate with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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