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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

ACADEMIC The line chart shows the birth rate in the USA and China from 1920 to 2000.

ACADEMIC The line chart shows the birth rate in the USA and China from 1920 to 2000.
The figure illustrated the different
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
show examples
 of US and China
birth
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
show examples
 in almost a century.
Overall
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
birth
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 was higher than the
birth
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 of China, these 2 different countries share
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 similar fluctuation trend. From the figure,
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
birth
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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fluctuated
in
Change preposition
apply
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around 13 % from 1920 to 1940 followed by hitting
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 low point
at
Change preposition
of
show examples
5
Correct article usage
a 5
show examples
%
birth
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 in 1945,
then
Linking Words
 it rose sharply to reach
it
Change the pronoun
its
show examples
 peak at 20 % in 1950. After 1950, the
birth
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
decreasing
Wrong verb form
decreased
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 slowly until it reached 7% in 2000.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
China
Change noun form
China's
show examples
birth
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
show
Wrong verb form
showed
show examples
 some fluctuation
around
Change preposition
of around
show examples
 11% from 1920 to 1930 and
then
Linking Words
rise
Wrong verb form
rose
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 to 15% in 1935. After
experience
Wrong verb form
experiencing
show examples
 fluctuation, it
droped
Correct your spelling
dropped
 dramatically to 5% in 1940 until 1945,
then
Linking Words
 rocketed to reach
it
Change the pronoun
its
show examples
 peak at 20% in 1950.
Finally
Linking Words
, the trend declined gradually until 2000 at about 2% of
Use synonyms
birth
Correct article usage
the birth
show examples
rate
Use synonyms
.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words birth, rate with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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