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Band 5

Today, more and more students are choosing to move to other countries to have higher education. Do you think the benefits outweigh the drawbacks?

#students #move #countries #education
Due to
 the development of transportation
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
show examples
 and technology,
students
 now have more choices of
countries
 to have higher
education
 compared to the past. I assure
that
Correct pronoun usage
you that
show examples
 the benefits
from
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of
show examples
 studying abroad outweigh the drawbacks.
This
 essay will logically explain why studying outside
home
Correct article usage
the home
show examples
 country brings positive change to
students
with
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For
show examples
 these reasons -
students
 are exposed to more diverse educational
experience
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experiences
show examples
 and living abroad would be a good catalyst to be an independent individual.
To begin
 with,
students
 who fly to other
countries
 for the purpose of having higher
education
 will have various experiences home
students
 cannot get. The main reason for studying abroad is to study in
countries
 which offer
speical
Correct your spelling
special
curriculum
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curricula
show examples
 and programmes that cannot
be afford
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be afforded
show examples
 in
home
Add an article
the home
show examples
 country.
For example
, some
countries
 in Europe are specialized in
literatures
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literature
kinds of literature
pieces of literature
works of literature
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 or arts
where
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whereas
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other's
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others
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 are not.
Hence
, to achieve their educational goals, having higher
education
 abroad is more beneficial.
Moreover
, studying in unfamiliar
condition
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conditions
show examples
 can
stimuli
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stimulate
show examples
 one's growth. Since there are no families or friends that can support them,
students
 have to live independently. In my case, when I studied in America
by
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on
show examples
 my own for two months, I was able to learn how to cook, buy groceries,
or
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 manage spending.
This
experience
 of standing alone made me
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 mature person.
Therefore
, leaving
comfort
Add an article
the comfort
show examples
 zone to have higher
education
 is beneficial for
students
 rather than studying in their nation.
To conclude
, studying in other
countries
 are priceless
experience
 that cannot be replaced by anything in the world.
Students
 will have more diverse choices of study, and their
experience
 of living and studying alone outside their comfort zone will make them mature.
Submitted by yelim050319 on

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Task Response
The essay generally addresses the task, outlining both benefits of studying abroad; however, a more balanced argument considering some drawbacks explicitly would give a more comprehensive response to the question.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas are presented in a logical structure, yet transitions could be smoother. Usage of a broader range of cohesive devices would enhance the flow of argumentation.
Task Response
Develop your main points further by including more detailed examples. Quantitative data, references to studies, or specific personal experiences could add depth to the arguments.
Language Accuracy
Check for minor typographical errors, such as 'other's are not' which should be 'others are not.'

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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