IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

The picture shows the rates of smoking in Someland by men and women. Summerise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make the comparison where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

#picture #rates #someland #men #women #summerise #information #features #comparison
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The line graph depicts information about the smoking
rates
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 in Someland between 1960 and 2000, broken down into males and females. Numbers are measured per 1000
people
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.
Overall
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, it is noticeable that the
rates
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 of smoking by males have a downward trend
,
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while
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 smoking
rates
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 for females have an upward trajectory.
Moreover
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, it is
also
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 interesting to note that males have
the
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apply
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higher
rates
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 than females over the period given. In 1960,
men
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 had the highest
rates
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 more than half with 600
people
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 compared to
women
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 that had six times fewer for just 100
people
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. These values
then
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 continually decreased for
men
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,
whereas
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 the
rates
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 for
women
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 increased consistently until hitting a peak
nearly
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of nearly
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 310
people
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 in 1975. In the next twenty years, in 1995, the rate of smoking for
men
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 and
women
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has
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apply
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gradually declined, achieving nearly 300 smokers for the former and about 240 smokers for the latter.
Finally
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, in 2000, both sexes contributed almost
in
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at
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 the same
rates
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 with 200 for
women
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, and
men
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 had a slight discrepancy for just under 210
people
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.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Task Achievement
To enhance the task response, ensure all parts of the prompt are addressed, and extend the conclusion for a more complete summary. Include an overview to succinctly encapsulate the key trends and differences.
Coherence & Cohesion
Improve coherence by better organizing the information and using a wider range of linking words to help the flow between ideas and paragraphs. Add an introductory sentence to each paragraph for clarity and preserve the logical flow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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