IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

The picture shows the rates of smoking in Someland by men and women. Summerise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make the comparison where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

#picture #rates #someland #men #women #summerise #information #features #comparison
The line graph depicts information about the smoking
rates
 in Someland between 1960 and 2000, broken down into males and females. Numbers are measured per 1000
people
.
Overall
, it is noticeable that the
rates
 of smoking by males have a downward trend
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
while
 smoking
rates
 for females have an upward trajectory.
Moreover
, it is
also
 interesting to note that males have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
higher
rates
 than females over the period given. In 1960,
men
 had the highest
rates
 more than half with 600
people
 compared to
women
 that had six times fewer for just 100
people
. These values
then
 continually decreased for
men
,
whereas
 the
rates
 for
women
 increased consistently until hitting a peak
nearly
Change preposition
of nearly
show examples
 310
people
 in 1975. In the next twenty years, in 1995, the rate of smoking for
men
 and
women
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
gradually declined, achieving nearly 300 smokers for the former and about 240 smokers for the latter.
Finally
, in 2000, both sexes contributed almost
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the same
rates
 with 200 for
women
, and
men
 had a slight discrepancy for just under 210
people
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Task Achievement
To enhance the task response, ensure all parts of the prompt are addressed, and extend the conclusion for a more complete summary. Include an overview to succinctly encapsulate the key trends and differences.
Coherence & Cohesion
Improve coherence by better organizing the information and using a wider range of linking words to help the flow between ideas and paragraphs. Add an introductory sentence to each paragraph for clarity and preserve the logical flow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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