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Band 5.5

Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so the medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of the private health care outweigh the advantages?

#people #health #service #companies #care
Good
health
 is an essential need for humans, so there is a debate that healthcare
services
 should not be managed by profit-oriented organizations. In my point of view, I do not agree with the argument. Medical
services
 can be largely improved by money-making
companies
 because of cutting-edge medical treatment. Nowadays, all kinds of viruses are raging, and advanced medical care is urgently needed. A large number of non-governmental
companies
 often tend to invest more in the development of new technologies and therapies because of the pursuit of high profits.
This
 is likely to provide more advanced medical
services
 for different
people
.
For example
, pharmaceutical
companies
' innovations in cancer therapies,
such
 as targeted therapies, are expected to significantly improve survival rates for cancer patients.
Also
, digital
health
companies
 are investing in artificial intelligence and machine learning, which could effectively improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
diagnostic accuracy and treatment. Medical
services
 managed by profit-driven
companies
 significantly improved thanks to their convenience and efficiency. In order to make more money, private medical institutions may have put more
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
to improve
Change preposition
into improving
show examples
 their service standards. In terms of service processes, they may introduce more efficient appointment systems and electronic
health
 record systems to reduce
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 waiting times and improve service efficiency. Unlike in the public medical system, there is no need for
people
 to stand in a long queue for clinical
examination
Fix the agreement mistake
examinations
show examples
 or other physical tests.
However
, In some developing countries, the high cost of private
health
 care means that only the wealthy can afford quality care,
while
 low-income
people
 rely on public
health
 systems, which are often limited in resources.
This
 may not only
affects
Correct subject-verb agreement
affect
show examples
 their
health
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
exacerbates
Correct subject-verb agreement
exacerbate
show examples
 social inequalities. In conclusion, I support that profit-driven healthcare
services
 can lead to more advanced and efficient medical treatments despite drawbacks.
Submitted by 1913435 on

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task achievement
While your essay has a clear position throughout, consider adding more specific and varied examples to strengthen your argument. Use data or studies to back up your points whenever possible.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to connect your ideas more smoothly. Use a wider range of linking words and phrases, and ensure each paragraph flows logically to the next. Additionally, check that your topic sentences clearly signpost the content of each paragraph.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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