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Band 5.5

Some governments provide financial assistance for retired, unemployed and disabled citizens. In other countries, families provide support for these people. Discuss both systems and give your opinion about which one you think is better.

#governments #assistance #citizens #countries #families #support #people #systems
Nowadays, some countries have a rule to give
allowance
 to their citizens who are retired, unemployed, and handicapped.
In contrast
, in some countries, the family is responsible for supporting their life. I will discuss both perspectives and points supporting my belief in
this
 essay.
Firstly
, if the governments want to support some specific
people
, they need to allocate money.
Therefore
, they need to get more revenue, and they can do it by increasing the tax on workers’ salaries.
This
 will result in a general increase in the quality of life in some countries.
Although
 it needs to increase taxes, it will positively impact society.
However
, in
this
 situation, the
government
 needs to make a strict regulation, or more
people
 might have the mindset of becoming jobless so they can get the money from the
government
.
Secondly
, if the families need to support their other family members who are categorized as retired, unemployed, and disabled
people
, I think
this
 will become
some
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 new
responsibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibility
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 them. It may not only be the money they need to prepare.
However
, they must spare some time to take care of their families.
As a result
, there will be a family argument, and the worst will
also
 decrease the quality of life. In my opinion, it may be a good idea if the
allowance
 is given either by the
government
 or by the families.
Nevertheless
, I prefer that the
government
 give the
allowance
 as it can
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a positive impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. And the
government
also
 can add some regulations, so the
allowance
 is not misused by
people
.
Submitted by nadiamanda.salsabilla on

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task achievement
To improve your score in task achievement, ensure that you fully address all parts of the task. In this case, you discussed both systems and your opinion; however, you could enhance your response by providing more specific examples and elaboration on how each system operates and its implications for individuals and society.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay generally follows a logical structure. To improve, consider using a broader range of linking words and phrases to better relate ideas and ensure paragraphs flow smoothly from one to the next. Additionally, establish a clear thesis statement in your introduction and signpost your main points more explicitly to guide the reader through your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial assistance
  • retired
  • unemployed
  • disabled
  • government support
  • safety net
  • social security
  • pensions
  • poverty
  • social inequality
  • redistribute
  • wealth
  • savings
  • financial planning
  • political climate
  • economic stability
  • familial support
  • intergenerational
  • community ties
  • pressure
  • strained relationships
  • feasible
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