IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or diagree?

#say #music #art #drama #school #subjects #level #diagree
It is argued that fine arts
such
 as
music
,
art
 and drama are equally important as other school
subjects
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 at the fundamental level. I totally agree with
this
 statement, because these particular
subjects
 improve the imagination, motor, and cognitive functions of
students
. When
art
, drama and
music
 lessons are compared to other school
subjects
, these fields improve the imagination of
students
. These
subjects
 offer a new approach to
understand
Wrong verb form
understanding
show examples
 objects and nature,
therefore
, people who are interested
these
Change preposition
in these
show examples
 areas can visualise an object or concept much
easily
Correct quantifier usage
more easily
show examples
.
For example
, paint artists can draw anything with the help of references, and most
students
 can learn
this
 ability by joining
art
 classes. Many authorities admit that
students
 do not have to strictly continue to paint new things, only a fundamental level of interest can develop
this
 level of strong imagination.
The another
Remove the article
Another
show examples
 contribution of fine arts to
students
 is that they can improve motor and cognitive functions of
students
. It might affect
muscle
Correct article usage
the muscle
show examples
 memory of athletes and musicians in the long term, and actors can express much more appropriate emotions during their scenes.
Students
 should be aware of these benefits, especially if they are interested in these kinds of careers. To illustrate
this
, Fazil Say, an important composer and pianist,
say
Correct subject-verb agreement
says
show examples
 that he could learn musical
instuments
Correct your spelling
instruments
 faster than other
students
 because he had
music
 and
art
 lessons in his school. In conclusion, I believe that
art
,
music
 and drama lessons are
highly
Rephrase
as highly
show examples
 important as other
subjects
 because
students
 can broaden their horizons to visualise objects
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and improve their motor and cognitive abilities.
Submitted by historicalpen on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
When explaining the importance of art, music, and drama in improving imagination, try to incorporate more varied language to avoid repetition, such as by using synonyms or different grammatical structures.
Task Achievement
Work on the development of your ideas by expanding on how these subjects specifically enhance cognitive functions with additional examples or evidence.
Language Accuracy
Be careful with minor grammatical errors and spelling. Proofreading can help eliminate these and make your essay more polished.
Task Achievement
Make sure your examples are detailed and directly related to the points you are making. For instance, mentioning specific aspects of Fazil Say's education that helped him could make your argument stronger.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: