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Band 5.5

Why do students prefer doing part-time jobs during their studies? Do you ‎think this has more advantages or disadvantages?‎

#students #jobs #studies #‎think
Introduction: In recent years, the integration of unpaid
community
service
 into high
school
 curricula has been a topic of heated debate. Advocates argue that
such
 a requirement can instill social responsibility and valuable life skills in
students
.
However
, critics question its practicality and impact on academic focus.
This
 essay will argue that
while
community
service
 has its merits, making it compulsory may not be the most effective approach. Body Paragraph 1: On one hand, mandatory
community
service
 offers several benefits. It exposes young individuals to real-world issues and societal needs, fostering empathy and a sense of civic duty.
For instance
, participating in environmental clean-ups or assisting in local shelters can heighten
students
' awareness of their
community
's challenges.
Furthermore
, these experiences equip
students
 with essential life skills,
such
 as teamwork, leadership, and problem-solving, which are invaluable in both personal and professional spheres. Body Paragraph 2:
However
, enforcing
community
service
 as a compulsory part of high
school
 education has its drawbacks.
Firstly
, it could add extra stress and time constraints to
students
 who are already coping with rigorous academic schedules. The added pressure of fulfilling
service
 requirements might detract from their studies and potentially impact their
overall
 academic performance.
Additionally
, when
community
service
 is mandatory, it risks losing its intended purpose. Volunteering should stem from a genuine willingness to help, not as a tick-box exercise to fulfill a
school
 requirement. Conclusion: In conclusion,
while
 unpaid
community
service
 can be beneficial in developing social awareness and practical skills among high
school
students
, mandating it might lead to unintended negative consequences. A more balanced approach would be to encourage, rather than enforce,
community
service
, allowing
students
 to engage in social contributions voluntarily.
This
 ensures that the spirit of volunteering remains intact, and
students
 can manage their time effectively between
service
 and academics.
Submitted by berryone.yusif on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a logical structure by presenting clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and maintaining consistency throughout the essay. Create a flow between points using cohesive devices and transition words effectively.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present, and the conclusion is well-articulated, try to make your introduction more impactful by directly addressing the essay question and outlining your specific stance.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are generally supported but often lack specificity. Incorporate more concrete examples and data to substantiate your arguments.
task achievement
Complete the task by ensuring that the response fully addresses all parts of the question. Stay focused on the essay prompt and develop your arguments in direct response to the topic question.
task achievement
Articulate your ideas clearly and comprehensively. While your essay provides an overall understanding of the subject, there are opportunities to make your arguments more nuanced and thoroughly explained.
task achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points. Although your essay benefits from examples, strive for more detailed and situational illustrations that add depth to your analysis.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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